Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Happy News

This will be a short one, but a bright one. As the title suggests, I've got happy news! Last night I attended my first night of homechurch in Carlisle, and needless to say, I'll be going back. A welcoming atmosphere, good discussion, and there was even a bit of worship at the beginning and many people offering up prayers at the end. Somewhat different from previous experience, and thankfully so. I'm really quite happy that this fits into my schedule, too (although somewhat precariously, as it's right after class on Monday). So praise God for that! No more traveling into Burlington!

Also praise worthy: It seems that since Summit, 3 new decisions to follow Christ have been made on campuses across Canada. This is just what's been recorded, too, so who knows how correct that number is. It's awesome all the same! Thank you God for new brothers and sisters!

Sharing and surveying tomorrow! Keep praying! And have a great week!

Monday, October 01, 2007

Designer vs. Herself

Over the past four years in the York-Sheridan design program, I’ve come to realize something. When it comes to design (and anything else, really), I’m my own worst enemy. The struggles I’ve faced since day one in this program almost always stem from a decision I’ve made, an attitude I’ve had, etc. Who I am and what I believe shapes me as a student and as a designer. How I work and what I work on does not hinge on the typeface I’ve chosen, the colours I use, or the layout I employ. It all comes down to character, to the interest I take in the world around me.

I think it’s also fair to point out that ‘designer’ is not something I often refer to myself as, and if I do, I do only for clarity or convenience. In the past, this has caused problems. By dissociating myself with the design profession, I created a huge apathy for my studies and even for the world around me. Over the course of the past year, I’ve learned that apathy cannot be an option, even if I don’t necessarily want to be categorized and placed in the ‘designer’ box. It’s been a process of identity, and a process of widening my view of the world. Being honest, I struggled a great deal to get where I am today, even if I am not that far from where I started. Thanks to apathy, I failed courses in my first year. Working harder in my second year, I did well at first, but quickly ran out of steam. Just doing the work wasn’t working. I wasn’t satisfied. And yet, I resisted engaging the program I was now committed to. It took me another two years to realize that even if I wasn’t a designer, I’m still part of this global community, and I still have an active role to play. If being a designer meant being constricted, how could my role be rethought?

My faith journey has had a large part in rediscovering purpose and vision for school and beyond. It may sound cliché or simple-minded, but looking back, the process was actually the most mind-expanding experience I’d had in my university career (no thanks to any course or instructor of mine, or the university as an institution). This past summer, I had the opportunity to spend three months in Halifax, working a job (as a cook), working in ministry, and building relationships. It’s probably the most un-design endeavour I’ve taken part in since I started the program, which was, at the time, part of the point. After three years of fighting my way, I was exhausted and a bit disillusioned, and was more than happy to escape from York, YSDN, and anyone who wanted to talk about either. Imagine my dismay, then, when I was appointed the team’s designer and asked to produce advertisements, brochures and a yearbook-like production for my team mates. I struggled with this for a while, dreading the possibility of not finishing, and dreading even more what people might think of the work if I did. Now, there is a difference, I realize, between working for your friends, and working for a large company. As I was encouraged to persevere, however, I began to enjoy myself.

I began to enjoy design.

The assignments I had been given were the same as any I had received from YSDN. The time frame to complete them was much shorter than what I am used to. I even pulled an all-nighter or two. What changed?

The answer might be overly simplistic. At the height of my doubt over completing the large yearbook, one of my team mates consistently assured me, “Fear not, Daniel.” It was a line she got from a children’s video. Brushing aside the question of age-appropriateness, I considered her statement. My concerns with style, with minute details, etc. suddenly took a back seat to why I was working on this book, who I was making it for. In all my time working on projects and striving to meet the standards set before me, I had shut out the larger body of design theory and practice, and the world that my work would be sent into. As I had learned with ministry, design doesn’t occur in a vacuum. I started to care about design because I started to care about the world around me. I stopped worrying about style and form and focused more on who I was trying to reach. Design stopped being an end and started to become a means. And then, to my horror, I started to enjoy myself.

I felt the shift more acutely when I read Michael Bierut’s Warning: May Contain Non-Design Content. Upon reading it, I felt like making myself a t-shirt that read, “Warning: Non-Designer”. Of course, thanks to the thousand and one assignments I needed to complete before the next day, it never came to fruition, but I appreciated Bierut’s honesty all the same, and almost sighed with relief as he explained, “My stupid layouts…were simply no more and no less than a whole lot of empty-headed graphic design. And graphic design wasn’t enough. It never is.”[1]

As a designer (I get a funny tingle every time I think of myself as one of ‘them’ now), it’s so easy to get worked up over the look of whatever we’re working on, and forget why we do what we do. Late nights and early mornings spent glaring at computer screens with bloodshot eyes wondering hopelessly if any of this would ever be worth it, and feeling as though I already knew the answer was ‘no.’ I was never going to be a graphic designer. I wouldn’t let myself, and I wouldn’t let them make me. Bierut’s words could have been my own as I realized over the summer that I had very nearly thrown away an opportunity to impact the community around me: “Not everything is design. But design is about everything. So do yourself a favour: be ready for anything.”[2] Design, funnily enough, isn’t about design. It’s about clarifying, expressing, evoking, inciting, explaining, directing. If you can’t reach the people you’re trying to reach, if you’re designing for the sake of design, I’d say you’ve already failed. I should know, I spent three years perfecting the artform.



[1] Michael Bierut, “Warning: May Contain Non-Design Content”, Seventy-nine Short Essays on Design (Princeton Architectural Press, 2007) 13.

[2] Ibid., 13.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Something a little lighter (but definitely not shorter)

This won't be totally palette cleansing after the last post, but it will probably be shorter.

This weekend, of course, was Summit - Campus for Christ's annual fall retreat. Amazing people, amazing worship, amazing speakers, and of course, an amazing God made for an amazing weekend. It was definitely a little more laid back feeling than last year, which is probably because I didn't meet nearly as many people or share my testimony 40 times... I definitely did meet a number of very quality people from schools across southern Ontario and met up with old friends from projects past.

The Leonard Beuhler (sp?), the President of C4C Canada (now called 'Power to Change') and Mike Woodard, national director for Campus for Christ (the campus ministry) were the speakers for the weekend. I want to say that the talks they gave were pretty usual, but when God is involved, of course, things are never usual.

Addressing the crowd of students a number of times, Leonard's talk on the ministry of the Holy Spirit, and how important being filled with the Spirit is in following Christ really stuck out to me. Especially when he put a slide up depicting the Spirit-filled individual (full of the fruits of the Spirit) and the attributes of a carnal Christian. When asked to pinpoint which attributes of the latter we could identify with, I was dismayed that I needed both hands to count. It wasn't so surprising, I guess. I have been struggling these past few weeks (see post below for a good example), but I figured that things were pretty good. I'm someone who believes we're filled with the Spirit upon making a decision for Christ. I felt the immediate impact the moment I became a Christian, but I have to admit, the 'feeling' doesn't always carry.

I'm probably doing a very inadequate job of making this clear, but I'll try my best. Basically, I've got the Spirit, but I've been doing a poor job of relying on Him to help build my relationship with Christ, and lead me in life in general. My prayer times and devotional times have really suffered a blow since school started, and I've been doing a pretty bad job of missing 'dates' with God. I can't remember if was Leonard or not who pointed out that 'you wouldn't miss a date with a boyfriend or girlfriend... the same should go for God.' Ouch. "Sorry, Lord, doing ______ was more important than hanging out with you." I've slowly been relying on my own strength more and more, and more and more I'm missing quality contact with God. Spiritual suffocation. Ick.

So I'm so glad that even though my initial attitude was "Ok, we've gone over this before", God still (as usual) got the point across. I'm definitely challenged to commit more time to prayer and devos than I have been, and while I'm starting tonight effectively, something really cool starts tomorrow that I want to let you know about...

2000 for 500: Asking God to Draw Students to Faith

If you're a student or staff with C4C, you've probably heard of this new prayer initiative. Last year, 143 students made a faith decision, and this year, we're asking God for another miracle: 500 students to make the decision to enter into a relationship with Jesus, with special emphasis on Quebecois and Muslim students - two of the most unreached student groups across Canada. There's a chance on the website to sign up for a 15-minute prayer slot, or you could just pray as you're led to over the course of the week (and beyond!). I'm encouraged. Very encouraged. And I'll definitely be praying for these goals, and hopefully going sharing more regularly. I've been challenged to step up in faith, that's for sure.

This is getting long, but I'm adding this as well because it's on the more serious side of things. I was totally encouraged to have a number of fellow students, who are praying about where God is calling them, approach me and ask about the projects I've taken part in. This is really an answer to prayer. You obviously don't need to go on a project to reach people, but stepping out of your comfort zone to a) raise support b) go to a foreign place and c) engage total strangers in faith discussions is a huge leap of faith and shows so much commitment to working for the gospel. It's also an amazing way to build faith and character, and grow closer to the Lord. So obviously I want others to experience all these things and more, and thus I was more than happy to discuss my experiences, the challenges, the joys, and everything in between with people who are considering project. Praise God for that!

I ended up meeting up with a fellow Scotland projectile, Hilary, and we had some excellent and challenging talks about Scotland, where we're at in our lives with that, and whether or not we're feeling the call to go back. Well, I guess there's no arguing we're feeling called. I've been feeling a tug ever since Halifax began to come to a close. Seeing the project video and retracing my experiences with those interested students and with Hilary really made a light flicker on in my heart. Scotland is still a nation desperately in need of God. That hasn't changed. We saw a lot of fruit for two weeks of work, but there is still so much more to be done. So, while I haven't officially applied or confirmed that yes, I am going, I am definitely keeping Scotland in my prayers, and will hopefully start the application process in the upcoming weeks. If you're feeling it, you could also partner in prayer with me over this.

Also growing in my heart is a desire to go back to Halifax. I feel this much more strongly than Scotland (though I do feel a strong pull to return to both places), and had a chance to sit down with a few staff members and students to talk about the process of applying to and experiencing STEP (a year-long internship on a Canadian campus, ideally Halifax but I'm satisfied with any campus) in Halifax. It seems crazy to even look at the words I just wrote and think about what they mean. Jen from U of T shared on stage how she felt called to STINT, but doubted the possibility. It wasn't until she finally gave in and agreed with God to apply that she felt peace about her decision, and saying now that I'm going back to Halifax fills me with both peace and excitement. After what seemed like just a taste this summer, I'm already ready to go back to Halifax and share Christ with others, and see believers built up in their faith. I'm already fairly sure about heading back to Halifax next summer as a projectile (with some of this year's projectiles potentially as interns, this could make for a lot of fun, and definitely a very passionate team!)

Going back means a lot of things, as does STEP. I can't number them all here (we'd be here all night), but I am definitely keeping both Scotland and Halifax (the places and the projects) in my prayers. I'm fully confident that God'll let me know where I'm supposed to be. Wherever I'm called, I'm excited to go for God.

Oh, and for those of you waiting on an update about the Halifax project that just passed, I should have that finished next weekend and sent out shortly afterwards. Expect it to contain information about upcoming projects.

Praise God for an awesome weekend and hundreds of students on fire for God. Keep praying and persevering!

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Tough stuff.

Apologies to the avid blog readers for the length of time between posts. I'm doing much better at this than I thought I would, so, hah! (Warning you, this is going to be a long one.)

Normally I write down the bulk of my thoughts in a journal and then post the really interesting/thought provoking (hah!) stuff on here, but today I'm working without the filter. Between class and work and everything else, being 'real' has been hard and I'm feeling like I just haven't been honest with myself. This isn't a 'woe-is-me' post, it's just some tough stuff.. Because being reborn isn't all puppies and roses, right? And maybe we'll all gain some insight.

I saw some old friends today, friends I lived with in first year, actually, which was awesome. I was praying pretty hard for a familiar face today, so praise God for that. One of them, Ted, just got engaged, so congrats to him! I am happy for him... Really.

...what, that didn't sound convincing?

Okay. I am genuinely happy that he's happy and in love and planning to spend the rest of his life with a wonderful woman. But it's happening more and more now. Every time I hear about another engagement (this is the third in the last year), it feels like the rug is getting pulled out from beneath me. I literally get chills. I get scared.

Yeah. Scared.

It's completely foreign, and yet totally familiar and comprehensible. I used to panic thinking about death. Now I panic about life. Married life. Or maybe, a lack thereof...?

Okay, okay, so maybe I'm not so weird. I know there a lot of single people out there who also get that funny tummy clench when they hear yet another one of their friends is getting hitched, wondering when, if ever, they too will be waltzing down the aisle. My mind practically explodes every time I think about the ifs, whens, whats, and hows of relationships. We should be so lucky that that's all that explodes, given the need to issue biohazard suits after my last relationship meltdown...

I guess my real issue is this - and this is pure, down-to-earth, realness, folks - I've know where I've been, I know what I'm capable of (or incapable of, sigh), and... well, it's scary. We're capable of a lot of good things, but we're also capable of a lot of really, really hurtful things. You don't need blunt force to do a lot of damage. Heh, I don't need to rehash that. And so life moves on, right? I did find God, and I did come to understand more about relationships. Through sermons, through friends, through two amazing projects. Everything seemed pretty bright and shiny, coming home from Halifax, with fresh passion and fresh perspective. Maybe I was ready for this relationship thing.. you know, with boys. And that's when I realized it.

I'm terrified to be in a relationship again. Or, terrified that I'll never get there. I'm not a fun, fluffy type. As my DGL Wendy said this summer, "You're into really, really deep relationships. Shallow isn't good enough." (Well, it was something like that. I'm paraphrasing). And see, there's two problems here that are tied in with all this:

A) First (and importantly), it means God's not getting in on the ground floor on this one. Trusting God with money, no worries. Trusting God with school, no worries. Trusting God with my love life... well, logically, who better to trust, right? And thus we reveal problem number 1! I'm a control freak when it comes to relationships. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but it pains me so much to admit that I can't let something so important rest in the hands of the one who'd give it the utmost of care. I would love to have a healthy, happy relationship with someone I care deeply about. Which leads us to our second point...

B) Because I'm so defensive and uptight about potentially having another person hurt me again, or worse, hurting someone else myself, and because I've definitely struggled with godliness and purity in relationships before, I'm, well, defensive and uptight. Which not only makes for poor romantic relationships, it makes for poor ANY relationships. And therein lies a fault of mine, that I've admitted before. I'm intensely physical, and for as long as I can remember, relationships, especially the romantic kind, are validated through physicality. Not only that, I quickly realized how to manipulate my relationship (I'm being very specific now) in ways that resulted in that physicality. I was just validating myself. 'Boyfriend' became 'convenience'. Not much relating going on there.

And then things tangle slightly further. Part of giving up control to God means... well, giving up my agendas. My desires. Dying to myself. "Those that strive to touch a star oft stumble of a single straw."

Straw, thy name is Ess-ee-ex. (that's 'sex', for the phonetically challenged...)

Really, as complicated as this all sounds, it's pretty simple. I want what God wants, because I know that's best. But I also know that I've got a powerful sexual nature that can, if allowed, get absolutely out of hand. Sex isn't bad, kids. But it's best expressed when it's constructive (i.e., an expression of love, self-sacrificial act, not a method of control, etc) However, most situations where I find myself, well, in need, are not constructive situations, and so I'm constantly beating back on this supposedly healthy urge. Following me here? To be doing this constantly is, well, exhausting. Obviously. Or I wouldn't have written you an essay about it. Duh.
And I'm sure I'm not alone.

And that's kind of the point of writing all this, I suppose. Because I made a promise a long time ago (about a year now, to be exact) that I would start being more real, more the woman God intended me to be. And I realized that there were going to be potholes and roadblocks along the way. But rather than cover them up or pretend like they're not there, I'm sharing, because maybe this will encourage someone else. And hey, I feel encouraged just writing this down. It's a daily battle, for all of us. The enemies we fight may look different, but we all know the outcome, and we can take hope in that. I found incredible hope in a verse from Hebrews the other day, so I'll share it with you in parting:

"In bringing many sons to glory, it was
fitting that God, for whom and through
whom everything exists, should make
the author of their salvation perfect through
suffering. Both the one who makes men holy
and those who are made holy are of the same
family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers.
He says,
'I will declare you name to my brothers;
in the presence of the congregation I
will sing your praises'
And again,
'I will put my trust in him.'
And again he says,
'Here am I, and the children god has given me'
Since the children have flesh and blood, he too
shared in their humanity so that by his death he
might destroy him who holds the power of death -
that is, the devil - and free those who all their lives
were held in slavery by their fear of death.
For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants.
For this reason he had to be made like his brothers
in every way, in order that he might become a
merciful and faithful high priest in service to God,
and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.
Because he himself suffered when he was tempted,
he is able to help those are being tempted."
(Hebrews 2:10-18)

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Update Time!

Hey friends, it's been a little while (but not as long as usual!)...

So, this has been quite the... week and a half. Two weeks. Something like that. Last week started out like any other week, but quickly launched into the realm of the extraordinary(ily difficult), as I started out on an 8 day work week that turned from some waitressing and some cooking to just cooking when my coworker sliced her finger on Tuesday, requiring several stitches... days later, all chaos broke loose when my boss lost her wedding and engagement rings and everyone straddled two jobs as we all searched high and low and tended the shop. I think worked outside the kitchen as much as inside that day... thank goodness, by Friday morning we had found both rings, and my boss was in a much better mood. Good thing, too, because we had an extraordinary number of customers in. The weekend carried on much the same way, until Sunday, when the girl I was supposed to train as a kitchen assistant forgot she was working as a KA and showed up 3 hours late, and then nearly fainted twice thanks to a previous bout of heat stroke. She was a trooper, but ended up heading home. It was a spot of craziness on an already crazy day, for sure. So yes, that was an exciting 8 days. Maybe not terribly interesting for you, but that's the way the cookie crumbles, my friend.

As for this week, well! I got a snazzy new cell phone , and started the school year yesterday. With a bang, I might add. I'll be catching the 6:45 AM bus twice a week to get to early classes at York this term, and yesterday was the first go-round with that. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but we'll see what I'm saying come November! My electives this year are ace. Renaissance and Baroque Art and Architecture and Weather and Climate. Yup, I'm a nerd, I'm in love with both. I've got to wait till Monday to get a taste of my design courses, but all except one are ones I've started in before, so I don't really expect anything too shocking.

The REAL fun from yesterday was meeting up with people from C4C and helping out with our O-Week booth. We met so many students who are hungry to know more about God, and who want to get involved or learn more. I even met a girl who seemed stoked about a mission trip to Scotland! (But who wouldn't be, really? ;) It was definitely interesting to be in on the 'ground floor' on the campus.. I've stayed pretty aloof for four years (there's that sticky pride issue again!), and I'm only just now seeing a bigger part of campus life. Kind of exciting. Kind of scary. I'm totally stoked. This is going to be the best year yet.

Seriously.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Cleaning can be fun.

Well, it can.

Oh, come on.

Okay, in seriousness, this is why I take forever to clean my room out/up. I'm merrily putting clothes away, minding my own business, when I stumble across a little piece of myself that I'd forgotten about. A picture, a piece of writing, some memory of something that was at one point really, really important.

As I was sorting through my 'portfolio' (the stack of design work accumulated from the last 3 years that usually resides in my closet and which has now been demoted to 'under the bed'), I came across a typography project from 2nd year. The design isn't half bad (Bodoni?! What was I thinking?), but the text really got me.

DERAILED

A wall of humid air hits me as I run from the cool, dark interior of the house. Slamming the front door behind me, I ignore the stares of the children playing nearby and head furiously away from home. Blind, I steer myself down the shoulder of a busy road, away from town and
them. Cars rush by me, some swerving dangerously close, but I do not move away. Without checking for oncoming traffic, I take a sharp left onto a country road. A few steps inward and the sound of the traffic gives away to muffled stillness. The silence presses in around me as frantic thoughts roll uneasily around in my head.
Through forest and field I follow this road, until another intersects it. A lawnmower drones in the distance and a slight, urgent breeze rustles the leaves of nearby trees. Shadows drift across the cracked pavement as the sun slips in and out of sight behind gathering clouds.
I breathe deeply. My heart is pounding painfully, and I am unsure of where to turn.
Peering down the westward road, I can make out rust-brown rails dissecting the pastoral landscape and cutting a gouge northward. Where it is met by the road, a dormant signal stands, its deadened black eyes glaring through the shimmering heat. Mesmerized, I turn, and trudge down the lonely road towards it while stray whispers of thought chase circles around my head. On either side of the road, oak trees form a sweeping green corridor. Passing beneath it, I look up through the gnarled branches to see the sky start to darken. Dead leaves scrape dryly across the pavement, and a cloud of dust kicks up among the broken corn skeletons in a nearby field.
As I leave the trees, the whispers inside my head grow to an angry buzz, as a clap of thunder tears across the sky and the trees pitch and heave in a sudden gust of wind. Pale ghosts of the past winter swirl around me as I draw nearer and nearer, the dull gaze of the crossing signal boring through me. Above the wind, the sound of an ominous bellow swells to a crescendo. In an instant, the languid eyes of the signal explode to life, filling the air with light and sound. Fate, the voices inside my head taunt, has brought me here.
The growl of the approaching train builds and builds until even the storm is overcome and the buzzing in my ears becomes a painful throb. Gasping, I reach out with a white-knuckled hand for a nearby fencepost, dragging myself closer to the rails. Their surfaces glint like knife-edges, offering me a solution to the problems that drove me here in the first place. Closing my eyes, I feel the ground vibrate with pure energy as the train bursts out of the trees and roars past. Boxcars fly by me, on e blur after another, clanking and groaning only a foot from my grasp. My hair whips across my face, stinging my eyes, which are full of salty tears that collect and fall, shattering noiselessly on the gravel.
Car after car streaks by me, pounding my ears with deafening sound, and I scream. I scream at their recklessness, and I scream at the futility that I feel wrapping cold fingers around me. I scream until the world spins and the earth tilts and the sky swirls into oblivion. One, long, overwrought howl that is drowned out by the relentless growly of the beast before me.
And the the train is gone, and my screams fall away into ringing silence. Shivering in the rain, chest heaving, I sway. The gravel rends my knees as the slam into the ground.
In the distance, the long, low, pitiless wail of the train cries out against the storm.


I remember the day that this talks about, and I remember what it was like to feel so utterly helpless. It was roughly just after I had found out that I'd failed first year, and things were looking utterly bleak. What's interesting to me, I suppose, is that this was written almost 8 months after the fact, at the start of what seemed to me like a very hope-giving relationship. My life is full of strange splits in reality. Leaving singlehood to enter coupledom, feeling hopeless and then feeling redemption. When I wrote this, I wrote not as someone who had moved on and was living a separate reality from that hopelessness, but as someone who was still rooted in it. Written early on in the second term of second year, it was a very quick downward spiral that nearly led me to failure once again.

Since finding God and choosing to follow Christ, my life has been systematically realigned. As one thing turns, so must others, until entire areas of my life are suddenly filled with new light and hope. The prospect of relationships, singleness, and marriage are a very obvious example, and many people know I'm very outspoken now about how good God is in his design for our relational lives. So much has changed internally that reading this made me very aware of another split in reality. I lived that experience, and yet it seems so foreign to me now. I feel like I'm observing myself from a distance. I've only had one similar experience since becoming a believer, where I could feel futility 'wrapping cold fingers around me', but even then, it was a different encounter, because I became very aware of the Holy Spirit, leading and counseling me.

I was doing something I knew I shouldn't. I had striven so hard to avoid this situation, and yet here I was, finding myself in the same position, submitted to my own desires, like a slave. I knew it, and yet I continued. And as I continued, grief mingling with the promise of release, I was aware of something. Someone, I suppose, egging me on, telling me to continue, coaxing and pleading, nudging me forward. At the same time, a quiet, steady voice broke through, telling me I could still turn back, that this didn't have to be my life, my reality. To me, it seemed too late. The first voice grew stronger and more insistent and as release welled up and spilled over, my joy and relief gave way to horror as the voice cried out in victory and began feeding from my sin as a wild animal tears into a fresh kill. I'd failed again, and the enemy was delighted. Exhausted and shamed, the quiet voice found an audience in me. It told me that this wasn't permanent, and that if I trusted, I knew I could be forgiven, and that I could move on. I was still loved. Wiping my tears, stood up and walked away. I'm still walking.

Thinking about it now, it's amazing, the stillness and calmness that the second voice brought, and how simple it was to slip out of that first reality into the second, of a life spend following Jesus. No fog of confusion, no widening pit of emptiness inside. Just a simple choice to walk away and focus on Jesus. We're not guaranteed a perfect life, but we are guaranteed grace. I'm still amazed that people find my story, well, amazing. It's seemed like such a natural process, albeit a very hard one at times. I'm just thankful now that I have the option to choose, rather than feel helpless.

Something else to be thankful for, I guess.



Monday, August 06, 2007

Ranty McRant

I'm taking a short break from cleaning out my room. Like, literally, gutting every possible orifice. You know what I'm learning?

I keep EVERYTHING. Blaaaaarg.

Witness Erin: Cleaning machine. Whirr-Hummmm.

Seriously though! I've found all kinds of things from first year, which was uh, 4 years ago, and even before then. I keep the strangest things. Sticks from hikes. Old notes from classes I've long forgotten the lessons of (in hopes that I'd study them sometime in the future?? No THANK YOU, Friend!!). Living virtually out of a suitcase in Halifax taught me the value of simplicity. So I'm making an effort to cut my room in half. I've got a box full of stuff for eBay, I've already carted 3 bags of paper to the blue box. Another stack to be burned. My desk drawers have never looked so clean or purposeful. It's taken me 3 hours just to do my computer desk. Just looking at my drafting desk makes me sad. Mostly because it has mutated from desk to a junk collector.

I need a more functional room. Pray - seriously - that I manage to severely minimize this space. This room is too full of memories to be full of crap too.

Sunday, August 05, 2007

Turning from "Self " to "Selfless"

Hey friends. :)

I'm not entirely sure where to begin this post. With joy, I'd like to tell you that I'm making it my plan to update this blog at least on a weekly basis, probably every Sunday. This summer I learned a lot about the value of taking time to reflect and meditate on what I've been learning, and Sunday seems like the most logical day. So here is the first of the Sunday posts!

First, to give you a brief update:
On Wednesday, August 1st, I arrived at Pearson International Airport at 5:48PM, 10 minutes ahead of schedule. It was a relief to be finished traveling. Saying goodbye most of Monday and Tuesday was very hard, and I felt a strong desire to move on and away from those thoughts and feelings and into the next step. Within hours, I was home with family, and then off to a staff party for my workplace in Waterdown. It was a beautiful night and a great time connecting with my coworkers at home and just genuinely enjoying time with them.

Thankfully, God has provide for me abundantly this month! I am now working 19 out of 31 days. This is a great big answer to prayer, as I did not get nearly as many hours this summer as I would have liked (though I probably worked about as many as I could physically or emotionally handle). My time is also being quickly filled up with things related to York C4C, friends, family, and just taking some time to chill. Which leads me into what I wanted to really say...

The month of August for most people is pretty insignificant, as far as calendar months go. We get a couple of holidays, really hot weather, and hayfever and back to school prep to boot. August to me is slightly more significant. This month marks the one year anniversary of the beginning of my journey for Truth and God. Aug. 15th marks the specific date that my seemingly ideal world came crashing down about my ears, and I was forced to look at the reality of my life and my situation. Roughly a month later, I made the full commitment to follow Christ, and 5 months following that, I declared publicly through my baptism that there really was no turning back for me. I had made up my mind. A month following, I left for Edinburgh, Scotland. Facing the reality that mankind is indeed stubborn and has desperately fallen out of sorts with God, I stepped out into the battlefield. I learned a lot from my teammates and the people we spoke to, and came home with the conviction that God was calling me to continue to study and grow at home. Three months later, I boarded a bus with Olga to Halifax, and for three months I spent my time getting to know God more intimately, growing exponentially, and encouraging others around me. Here I sit, a year later, hardly believing the words that I type. I lived all this, the sorrow, the joy, the adventure, everything. So what have I taken away from it all? What great lessons have I learned, and what will my life look like in the future?

God really does have the best plan, and he really is faithful to those who love Him and whom He loves. Hey, that sounds pretty good.

But what does it mean in my life (and hopefully, yours)?

As I look back, and now look forward to what's ahead, I can see one clear trend, which I alluded to in the title of this post. It's something that, while my growth may have been exceptionally speedy, has taken a long to unfurl. It's the steady, subtle change from being selfish to selfless. Now, I'm not saying that I've done the complete 180, or that the spiritual/emotional place that I'm at now is the endpoint of my journey. We continue to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, and we are cautioned numerous times to press on towards the goal (Jesus Christ).

I am thankful for my time with my coworkers, the Meeting House, C4C, my friends, and anyone else who really opened themselves up to God and helped me get back on my feet. Your actions and words were amazing models of God's love. You were patient in the early days when I wallowed continually, and spent a great deal of time in self-learning and spiritual re-adjustment. That work isn't finished. But now, coming out of that a year later, I can see the future much more clearly. As much time was spent carefully fitting the pieces back into place according to God's will, now it's time to turn from self to others. Paul didn't just see God and and go "Hey, look, there is an almighty God out there who loves us. Neat." and trip along his merry way. Nor did he simply realize how wrong he had been and seek to turn from those things that stood between him and God, and that was the end of it. He made it his life long mission, his one and only purpose, to know Christ, to know the Good News and live within its truth - that we have been given the amazing chance to be totally free of sin, to have our lives changed, wiped clean, and set aright. And not only that, he ministered to others! He spent the rest of his life in close relationship with the people in the world around him, encouraging them, rebuking them in love, teaching them and praying for them. He turned from self, to selfless.

I want to live like that.

I just didn't realize how much until I came home.

Like I said, the Meeting House has been instrumental in my walk with God. Their unrelentless pursuit of the real Jesus, their boldness in tackling issues such as sex, violence, poverty, and so much more, has been inspiring. I've learned and grown a lot within those walls. But now, I think it may be time to turn knowledge into action, place my involvement at the Meeting House (and not my learning) on the back burner, and really look closely at the community I'm in, right here in Hamilton/Waterdown. I'm not sure what this looks like yet. It might mean attending the Meeting House location closer to home, or attending a different, more local church. It could (and this sounds appealing to me) mean starting a Waterdown homechurch. It could mean many things. But I do know that it looks like serving others in spite of the way the world views them, and in spite of myself.

Sorry this was so long, but as we've all noticed, it's been a month since I last wrote and there's been a lot going on in my world these days. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue to spend this month working out the plan for this year. I'll try and make it a little... lighter... next time! ;)

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Check below for two new posts! God's laid it on my heart to share the events of this past week, and a few other things as well.

This whole week has been quite amazing, and it's hard to pull one thing from the other, so bear with me...

Monday night at our weekly meeting, it was announced that whoever chooses could participate this week in a fast. Reasons and lengths of fasts are up to us individually, and the fast breaks on Saturday. I'd fasted before, for a day, and it had been a very positive experience, so I was definitely excited. Fasting is something that I had initially had some trepidation over - the idea of voluntarily starving oneself... I couldn't see the connection to God. However, fasting that one day back in the spring really opened my eyes to how much I don't depend on God for, thank God for, seek God for... So when the fast was announced this week, I was excited. Because as you may have noticed, I've beed a bit muddled. There's a lot going on, and it's easy to get distracted by ministry, and fun times, and people, and just unimportant little things that devour time and energy. Fasting, in this case, was an opportunity to get back to God. To fully depend on God, and to seek Him clearly and individedly. So my fast started Monday night, and my original intention had been to go without food until Friday - a huge commitment, and not an attempt to be 'super-faster' so much as to really stretch my faith and devotion... but dietary concerns arose on tuesday night, and so I made the decision to eat the evening meal after 5:00 pm. Still painful, but not nearly as harmful.

I'm excited to hear everyone's stories at the end of the fast, of how they heard from God, or how they connected with Him. Tuesday and Wednesday i ended up having conversations with my coworkers about my faith, and I had no one to thank but God. It was so apparent the need to depend on Him, especially on tuesday as my head was throbbing and swimming. Despite being physically empty during my workday, I feel more and more filled up by God, and more and more ready to pray and thank Him. Dinner, or eating, has grown so much more special, more a cause for thanksgiving than before. Not to say that you have to fast to have a relationship with God, but it's definitely biblical and I would recommend it if you're able. I'll write some more thoughts on this later this weekend, after the fast breaks. (Breakfast on Sunday will be a blessed event, that's for sure! ;))

Tuesday night was a coffee house outreach, where DRIME did their first performance - it was powerful, that's for sure. After the dramas, which featured Jesus's ministry, life and death, we talked with the members of the audience about what they'd just seen. Ekua and I talked to two lovely Chinese students, Connie and Mei, who amazingly understood everything perfectly, and asked really excellent questions about Jesus was, and what it took to become a child of God. I got their phone numbers and email addresses, and hopefully we can meet up sometime and talk more about what they think about everything.

I'd mention more, but I've run out of time - there's a DRIME meeting, which I scheduled, right now! Much love, everyone. I think of you and pray for you often!
To continue the previous post, the rest of the afternoon of the barbeque was just beautiful. Olga and I met with a young couple who had happened upon free food and friendly faces, and decided to stop in. Both of them seemed to have been 'roughed up', I guess, by life. The young man, despite being nice enough, never seemed to get the breaks he thought he deserved. People are quick to judge and too slow to offer a helping hand, and you could see the shell hardening around him as he spoke. Not to put too dramatic a touch on the conversation, but you could see him becoming defensive about how life isn't fair, and how he ought to be able to live the way he wanted to, to be able to have a comfortable home and car, etc. As with many of my experiences here in Halifax, the fact that I have a warm home and bed, and a cupboard and fridge full of food, friends who care for me and parents who support me, seems altogether more of a blessing than it ever has. How much more I would thank God for those things, and more, when I met Robbie only moments later.

It would have been easy to write Robbie off and leave him to his own devices. When I first saw him, he was sitting on the church steps, hugging himself. Crusted blood clung to his nose and fingers, and his right eye was swollen and red. The barbeque was just around the corner, but he seemed to be lingering. When I invited him in, he appeared not to understand me at first, and then mumbled something not quite intelligable, jerking his head erratically. My heart went out to him. There are many homeless on the streets of downtown Halifax, and many more living around the poverty line, for various reasons. This man needed more than a barbeque, but after some patient persistence, we managed to bring him a hotdog and some juice. Over the course of the afternoon, I sat and talked with Robbie. I'm not sure what endeared him to me - logically, I should have been frightened or off-put by some of his behavior, but something told me that he needed someone who was patient, needed to know I wasn't going to run away. As we sat on the steps, I read to him from the bible that Christopher, the youth pastor gave him. What amazing time... Robbie knew so many of the psalms by heart, and it was an obvious that God has been a great comfort to him, even in his current situation. As we sat and read, he muttered that his bible had been taken when he was beaten up by 'those punks' (that explained the blood and the swollen eye). Never quite looking me in the eye, he would say, "Read Psalm 40." And then he would start reciting... "I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry..." And I would pick up and he would fall silent as I read. His love for God, his faith, was incredible. It was an indescribable afternoon. I'm not sure if he'll remember it, sadly. He seems to be an alcoholic - he carried with him a bottle of 'listerine' that he confessed was filled with whisky, and every now and then he would take a long swig, despite our pleas to give it to us and to drink something better. In amidst the rambling conversation and reading from the Word, I caught snippets of what his life had been like. At some point or another, we must wonder how the people on the street got to be where they are, what sort of evils had befallen them, or what sort of trouble they had gotten themselves into. My afternoon with Robbie seemed to be God's way of saying, "This, too, is a human life, and I love him just as dearly as I love you." Thinking of Robbie now still brings tears to my eyes. There is so much hurt in this city, and so few who would risk themselves to help...

1 I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.

2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.

3 He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear
and put their trust in the LORD.

4 Blessed is the man
who makes the LORD his trust,
who does not look to the proud,
to those who turn aside to false gods. [a]

5 Many, O LORD my God,
are the wonders you have done.
The things you planned for us
no one can recount to you;
were I to speak and tell of them,
they would be too many to declare.

6 Sacrifice and offering you did not desire,
but my ears you have pierced [b] , [c] ;
burnt offerings and sin offerings
you did not require.

7 Then I said, "Here I am, I have come—
it is written about me in the scroll. [d]

8 I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart."

9 I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

10 I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.

11 Do not withhold your mercy from me, O LORD;
may your love and your truth always protect me.

12 For troubles without number surround me;
my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.
They are more than the hairs of my head,
and my heart fails within me.

13 Be pleased, O LORD, to save me;
O LORD, come quickly to help me.

14 May all who seek to take my life
be put to shame and confusion;
may all who desire my ruin
be turned back in disgrace.

15 May those who say to me, "Aha! Aha!"
be appalled at their own shame.

16 But may all who seek you
rejoice and be glad in you;
may those who love your salvation always say,
"The LORD be exalted!"

17 Yet I am poor and needy;
may the Lord think of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O my God, do not delay.

Lord, give the city of Halifax a new song...

Saturday, June 30, 2007

[Begun Saturday, June 30th]

My mind is a bit all over the place these days, so forgive me if this entry is a bit hard to follow. Even though I'm not sure who's been reading this blog, it gives me encouragement to know that there are people a world away reading this and being encouraged or moved to pray. I appreciate you all a lot, and I only wish I could be more direct in my communication with you!

Life in Halifax is becoming stressful. Teammates especially are noticing that I'm running on empty these days, and it's starting to get to me. I've been ranting a lot about how much there is to do and how little time there is to do it, and generally being frustrated. There are pinholes of light throughout my week, where I remember that God's got all this in His hand and I really just have to 'show up' with a useable attitude, but as life becomes busier and busier, I find myself becoming, well, cranky.

And it hurts. It hurts the people I'm short with when I haven't had enough sleep, it hurts people who are just trying to show kindness or ask a simple question and I'm impatient with them. And it hurts me, because I don't want to hurt others. In my frustration though, I tend to lash out. Given the option fight or flight, I'm usually all fight. Looking at these words in front of me, however, I don't feel anger. I feel shame and disappointment. It's like staring the same old sin, eyes narrowed and grinning maliciously, right in the face and realizing just how ugly it is. The truth is, Satan is loving that I'm frustrated, loving that I'm starting to resent how busy things are getting, loving that I'm yearning for home more and more by the day! It makes me shudder to have an upclose look at myself like this, to see this area where I struggle, in fact where many struggle. I've had to stare down some awful truths about myself lately. Admittedly, I've grown a lot, but this project, if nothing else, has shown me just how much more room for growth there is, how much of my heart I've really made available to God, and how willing I am to live for His name.

Thinking about it now, I'm amazed at how much I'll be taking away from Halifax when I leave. How much I've learned about leadership, how important it is to delve into God's word for wisdom and spiritual food, how much I've learned about loving people, solving conflict, respecting others and myself... the list could go on. To fill you in, I just took a break from writing this entry to talk with some people back home - mom, my brother, and some good friends and C4Cers - and it's really been blessing to reconnect with people back home. Interesting thing though. As I talked with them and heard about all that's going on back home, I realize this: Stress and problems don't follow you around. They're everywhere. I've fallen into the pattern of thinking that says 'back home' means no stress, no busyness, no conflict or no pain and suffering (or seeing it in others). Really, though, there is no escape from those things. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, I just mean to say that those troubles are found everywhere - we're all human, and as long as we continue to follow our own ways, there are going to be problems. It just makes me that much more thankful that God is King! He rules whether I'm here in Halifax or back home, and I can find solace in him wherever I'm at.

Haha, I hope this is making sense. Anyways, enough about what's been going on in my head. I really wanted to share some of the highlights of this week!

God really orchestrated something cool this week: Katherine, a fellow projectile, met some students from a maritime collage in Maine who had stopped in Halifax on their way back from a trip around the Mediterranean. Once they got talking, one of them, a Christian, was really encouraged by our project and together they made plans to invite some of the students to the dorm for dinner and fun... so Tuesday night about 8 students made it over and we hosted them for an evening. What an encouraging night! Some of them were Chrisitans and were really interested in how we were witnessing to students around us, while others had never heard the gospel and were given a chance to. Plus, they were able to see what a tight-knit bunch we were, and how much we cared for one another here. It was really an amazing night, and I made some new friends too!

Today as well was packed. I didn't realize until I sat down and mentally went over everything we did, that we actually accomplished a lot. This morning was a series of seminars on how to share the gospel with different groups of people - randoms on the street, needy folks, people who resent the church, etc. Afterwards, Myriam and I were able to sit down and encourage Julia, a student at DAL who is trying to reach out to her parents. She doesn't believe they're saved, but because of past judgments from other Christians, she has trouble opening up discussion about it. It's a sensitive issue to be sure, and I wasn't sure what advice to offer, but God provided some on the spot wisdom, I will be praying for Julia and her family. The afternoon was filled with a barbecue, where I talked with a young couple who were looking for some people their own age to hang out with, and so Olga and I gave them our contact info and hopefully they'll be in touch soon. It's so nice to meet people in the community and just show them that we're not just people who meet on sunday mornings and keep to ourselves the rest of the week - it's really encouraged me to share my faith not so much intentionally as... naturally. To show my faith through my actions and words, and not just by going out of my way to approach people to share the gospel.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

What to say? So much happened in four days that I'm still reeling, trying to gather thoughts up. If ever there was a time I was running on God's strength and not my own, now would be it.

I think my first hint that these past few days were going to be intense was my meeting with my new discipler, Becky on Saturday morning. When she asked me how project was going, how I was feeling, and if there was anything I needed to discuss, I thought for a moment, and then very honestly responded, "No, actually, I think everything is fine..."

Now, before I continue, don't panic - everything is, for the most part, fine. I'm alive, very well, and the overall status here in Halifax is PTL - Praise The Lord! What I wasn't taking into consideration on Saturday morning was the fact that DRIME - Disciples Ready In Mobile Evangelism was meeting for the first time later that afternoon and choosing a leadership team for the remainder of the project. Nor did I take into consideration that I would be chosen as one of the leaders, or that in itself would create a conflict. Now, as said conflict is still being resolved in the most Christlike way possible, I'll refrain from going much farther on the subject, but suffice to say, with the leadership, appointed somewhat haphazardly as it were, in somewhat of a chaotic state as of Saturday evening, attempts to run further DRIME practices throughout the weekend were also somewhat... chaotic.

Some people might have come out of this weekend and found it to be a total waste, and if anyone from DRIME especially found this to be the case, then I'm truly sorry. However, I think God knew exactly what he was doing with all those assembled, and despite (or maybe because of) the conflicts that arose, he was able our own stubborn ideas and turn them on their heads. What I'm trying to say, in a few words, is that God really took a strange situation and has really opened the floor to some personal revelations and has really shown several of us projectiles what it means to be a servant leader, as well as how to trust his leadership above all else. So, yesterday evening, while I was feeling fairly peaceful about the situation, I was also feeling fairly exhausted and had totally planned to sit out FTWAP (Free Time With A Purpose, or "Footwap") in favour of what I felt was a well earned nap. However, when Nicole asked me if I'd like to meet up with her and Aram, a TESOL student from South Korea who was eager to learn about God, I couldn't really say 'No' - Just hours before I had been talking about my desire to spend more time evangelising and how I felt a lack of it in my life. So shortly after dinner ended, I found myself sipping tea in Nicole's apartment as the three of us, including Aram, went through the 'Knowing God Personally Booklet'.

Now, I don't think I have ever met anyone so eager as perhaps I was to hear and learn more about God than Aram was last night. From seeing Nicole's bible to finding out that she could to God - in Korean no less! - she was enthralled. The booklet itself proved to be a page-turner, as Aram excitedly went through it. If ever there was someone prepared by the Holy Spirit, she was it, and praise God, with so much thankfulness and joy Aram prayed to receive Christ last night! We have a new sister!! Nicole and I were nearly in tears over how joyful Aram was. I quickly slipped out to grab the key to the storage for all of our real life kits, which include a copy of the new testament, when I saw Steve and told him the news and where I was headed. Holding up a finger, he went into his room and returned with a brand new bible, still in its wrapping. Apparently there was an extra left over from something... anyways, imagine my joy to present Aram with her very own copy of the whole bible. It was truly an amazing night, and I won't forget it soon. Please pray for Aram and her walk as a new believer in Christ! I will keep you all posted on her progress as Nicole and I follow her up!

Blessings!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Much to say

Hey everyone! It's been a while since I've been able to sit down and share with you about life here in Halifax, but I assure you I'm alive and getting better by the day.

Since I last wrote, we've done outreaches and gone camping, seen the staff leave, and I got a sinus infection that was healed quite miraculously overnight. God's been amazing, that's for sure. Life in Halifax grows more challenging by the day - not because things are getting any more difficult necessarily, but because things are getting comfortable. Now that we're not all out of our element and getting to know each other and the city, it's easier to slack off a little, to leave those dishes till later, or it's less important to go explore the city and meet new people. It's never good to get into ruts. The staff left us on tuesday - we had a final barbeque to send them off right, and I think that's done well to jolt us all a little into realizing how much initiative we need to take in our daily lives here. We've all been assigned to a different ministry, partly based on our requests, and partly based upon what the staff have been observing. I was placed on the memory book team, which is in charge of making everyone a small token of some kind (typically in the form of a book) to take home with them and remember project by. To be honest, even though I put it near the top of my choices for ministry, I was a little disappointed that I didn't get assigned somewhere else. I spend all year in design, and for someone who plans on entering into that career field, I'm actually not that excited about being identified as a designer. Strange, but true. So it was at first a frustration, and even more so when I found out how small our budget was, and, well... I'll be honest. I got upset. Not angry upset, but teary upset. I'm not sure why, but I think in part it was because I was realizing I was being prideful, and being selfish, just as much as I was wanting to bring forth a really cool memory item. It's a breaking moment when you realize you're being petty or foolish in the eyes of God over something so small.

And that's in part what I'm learning about on project - there are lots of little (and sometimes big) areas in my life that I'm really proud in. And not the good kind of pride. I mean, there's the "I know I worked hard and did a good job at this, and I'm pleased with myself", but there's also "No one can do this but me, NO ONE. Not even God", or "I'm great because ____". Or there's just placing oneself on a pedestal. I'm guilty of that one, that's for sure. I've really been convicted over the past few weeks that I really, really can't do anything without God's strength and wisdom guiding me. I mean, you can limp along all right without him - I did for nearly 21 years - but it's exhausting and unfulfilling, to say the very least. And being here on project, being brought here by God himself, and then being so busy with project itself to take time for God, I've noticed something. As exhausting as life before a relationship with God was, when you walk with the Spirit and yet don't take time for God, or more specifically allow him to lead you on his strength into something as engaging and demanding as project, and then basically refuse to drink deeply of him, it's even more exhausting. God really does give us all strength to do things we couldn't even dream of doing.

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm here. Not just why I'm on Halifax project, but why I'm even here on earth at all. Why and how I ended up in Halifax can be traced all the way back to last summer when I thought my life was about to end. If my boyfriend at the time hadn't decided to choose God over me, I might not be here today. That sounds funny, doesn't it? But it's true. Christ saved my life, and I felt so immediately thankful that I knew I had to tell others. And here I am today. I couldn't have even imagined last summer that I would be sitting in this apartment in Rice Residence, in Halifax, Nova Scotia, talking to you today about God's greatness and his providence, and above all else, his love. Had you asked me last June what I thought I would be doing, I probably would have said, "Moving in with my boyfriend and finishing my degree." It sounds typical, to most people, but had that come true, I would likely be a slave to sin still.

If this seems at all too much, don't worry - I'm trying to keep up myself. I've had a lot of chances to really sit down and converse with God over the last week - especially on the retreat at Kejimkujik (kah-jih-mh-koo-jik) National Park last weekend. For one glorious hour, sprawled on a blanket in the sun, in the middle of the Nova Scotian wilderness, I had solid talk with God over areas of my life that have not been left open to him. It's been hard since to hand over control, and realizing even more that I daily have to put my life, my job, my studies, everything into the hands of God has been very stretching. While project can be very exhausting at time, letting God be the pilot and being excited for real about what he's going to do, not what I'm going to do, has been a great joy.

Before I bring this to a close, I just want to make a few prayer requests. In relation to project, if you could pray right now (even as you read this!) that the remaining 10 or so people here who are seeking jobs would find them, that would be appreciated. Also pray for my safety at work, as I've burned and cut myself at least once so far in the past week, and pray for spiritual conversations...not just mentioning God in passing, but really expressing the love of the Lord for us and doing so in a meaningful way with my coworkers. Please pray specifically for one of my guy coworkers I will simply call J. He's had a rough life and has really turned over a new leaf. My heart goes out to him for all he's been through, and I see great potential in him. Pray for his salvation, and for God to just heal his heart and mind. Team unity would be a great thing to pray for as well. We're starting to really see the purpose in taking quiet time and making our time together meaningful and not 'surface', and I'm praying that we keep growing strong as a group, and that we do take time to reconnect with God on a daily basis.

Thank you all so much for your words of support and encouragement. I never noticed until someone pointed it out to me, but the word en-courage literally means 'to give courage'. When you encourage someone, it's giving them strength - firming up that core inside of them that drives them forward. I've definitely felt encouraged this past week.

That's all for now, folks. God bless, and have a great weekend!

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

A very blessed meeting

So this morning was the meeting with Lic. Karl Armstrong and Chris Drewe of West End Baptist. Steve, Katherine, Liz and I sat down to talk with them over what our definitive plans for partnering with them for the summer would look like, and the prognosis so far is very good. Right now, the plan goes as follows. We've decided upon 3 evenings where members of our team will teach interested congregants how to share the gospel effectively with coworkers, friends, and community members, and then the following weekend, the church will host a community barbeque where the people we trained can put their new skills into practice. We're also taking interested people out sharing with us, to get them acquainted with random evangelism and approaching members of the community. There is also a vacation bible school that they're interested in having us partner with, which I'm definitely interested in helping out with. What got me really excited, and I'm sure will excite other members of the team too, is the urban ministry that WEB is running currently, where people can come in off the street and grab grocery vouchers, sandwiches and other meals. Ideally, we'd help them take this further, and get more people involved from the community as well.

What was also cool was the way God totally paired us up according to need. WEB is currently looking for someone to lead summer worship, and wouldn't you know it, Liz has been appointed one of our Weekly/Worship leaders for the remainder of project, and would be thrilled to work with the church. As well, several of us students are planning to stay the entire month of August after the project ends (that includes myself) and will be needing a place to stay. Karl himself seems to have a house available for exactly that period of time... and there are many people that would likely offer their homes to us, by the sounds of it. It's really amazing to watch all of the pieces fall into place on this, and the more I see, the more I really would like to stay and watch this totally blossom for God. As I read through Corinthians, I empathize with Paul, who couldn't be with the church in Corinth but instead had to watch her growth from a distance after spending a fair bit of time there. It'll be hard to leave at the end of the summer (and hopefully things will go better than they did at Corinth!), and I'm praying sincerely that God'll direct me to where I'm meant to stay. If someone told me I could choose to go back to Toronto or stay in Halifax, no charge either way, I would choose Halifax without a second thought. I already feel connected to this place and the people here.

God's calling me to new levels of faithfulness every day, I'm just praying I can keep up...

Monday, May 28, 2007

Well, the weekend has come and gone, with all of it's beautiful weather. Sitting here during the early evening hours on Monday, the sight outside of Nicki and Veronika's window is pretty damp looking. I don't want to say dismal or dreary, though. We need the rain just as much as we need the sun, and everything is looking greener and brighter than ever now that the fog has lifted. Halifax weather, like Halifax life, is unpredictable at best, and is constantly changing. Just because it was sunny yesterday doesn't mean it'll be sunny tomorrow, and just because there's rain today doesn't mean there'll be rain tomorrow. Just make the most of the day you're given, is the lesson, I guess, and make the most of it with a good attitude to boot.

I'm still deciding how much I've made of today. I got a wicked sunburn after sitting in the sun for an hour and a half on Sunday sharing with a girl named Jen. Our conversation was really great, and I really felt like she was someone I could connect with and talk with further, so I got her contact information and hopefully we can meet up for coffee tomorrow or sometime this week. She's seeking hard for truth, I'd say, but even though she just finished a degree in comparative religious studies, she hasn't found any definitive answers. Therefore I'm even more excited to get to take part in her journey. Pray for her and our newly budding relationship! :)

After such a frustrating week at work, Friday finally yielded an afternoon of purpose and vision. One of my coworkers came to me with a personal problem and we spent a good two hours talking about it and about work in general. It was a great chance to get to know her better and to speak into her about respecting herself as a person, as well as respecting others. It was a really groundbreaking time and as we parted ways she thanked me sincerely for allowing her to confide in me. I walked away almost soaring. I love getting to know people on a deeper level, and she's definitely become someone who is dear to my heart.

Backtracking a bit further, Thursday night was also fairly intense and exciting. My roommate Nicki breathlessly ran up to me and quickly explained that a close friend of hers who has been struggling with a drug addiction has finally reached the breaking point and is seriously searching for God and wanting to learn more about him and how she can turn her life around. Amazing news, and so close to my heart that I was happy for her, just to know where she could head potentially. If you could pray hard for Kendra and her search for God and renewal, I would appreciate it so much. Satan attempts to ensnare us in so many horrible ways... to find yourself entangled to the point of being trapped is the worst and best place to be... worst because you seem to have run out of energy and options, but best because God is good and forgiving, and would love nothing more than to save us from such traps... It gave me a shiver to think of what amazing love she's on the brink of discovering.

Tomorrow morning, Tuesday, we're meeting with West End Baptist Church to solidify plans to partner our citywide ministry with their outreach programs. God totally planned this... after the sunday morning service on outreach and sharing the gospel, we couldn't believe how blessed we were to have our proposition set up. The pastor was just as excited as we were and we've already got a number of ideas that will hopefully grow and take shape for the remainder of the project. Doubly exciting for myself is the chance through August to continue to partner with the church and get more involved in the community. It's going to be heartbreaking to go back to Toronto and school, but I'm also excited for the opportunities that await me there.

I appreciate your comments and prayers, as always!

Thursday, May 24, 2007

I think I wrote my previous post last... friday or saturday. Well, it's been quite a week since then, and I've come out a little worse for wear, but thoughtful.

I think I've mentioned before how getting to Halifax was a lesson in trusting God, but it wasn't the challenge I anticipated. Things seemed to fall into place fairly easily, as far as things go. If anything stressed me out, I've long since forgotten about the grief caused, which is more than some people here can say. I'm thankful for the faithfulness of God, to be sure.

But after getting through all of that, I knew I was just being geared for a bigger challenge, and I realized, once I started, that work was likely to be it. I don't want to be too 'revealing' here, but I do want to give you all a little peek at what's going on, to keep you in the loop and to keep the lines open for prayer.

On Monday I got talking with one of my coworkers about hanging out after work, which ended with us making plans to meet in the evening after her shift to watch Signal Hill play in the Lower Deck at work (the upside of working at a really large pub in Halifax). Ben and Katherine from project came with me and we all ended up having a great time, and got to know my coworker a little better. I really do want to get to know at least one or two of my coworkers fairly well before the end of the summer, but seeing as most of them are male, there are obstacles in that regard. Anyways, plans were made to go back to the pub for a second time on Tuesday, and this time around we met more of my coworkers and got to know them a little better. It's nice to have a group of my fellow teammates to help with conversations, and I think there's a lot of value in showing my coworkers that we're pretty normal people, with one or two exceptions. My not drinking was a big deal to pretty much everyone there who wasn't on project, as we were in a pub. But it lead to some talk of church and faith, and gave me a little more to work with, as such. The night was very draining though. We started upstairs in the 'Beer Market' (the middle floor of the restaurant) and ended up watching the band downstairs in the Lower Deck. It was more crowded than the night before and people were a bit rowdier. I stuck close to our guys because of the very pointed leers of a particularly drunk businessman (the downside of visiting a really large pub in Halifax), and it reminded me of the need to be conscious of our surroundings and of the people I bring into my workplace. I'm more used to that kind of setting, but I know many people here haven't every been in that kind of environment where people just give themselves over to their desires, basically, be it food or drink or lust. What was upsetting for me personally though was seeing some of my coworkers, who felt either lonliness or some kind of lust, or whatever, start to cozy up to one another, in particular the girl I had met with the night before. It reminded me a lot of the emptiness I used to feel and the way I tried to fill it up with exactly those pursuits, and just how hurt and empty it made me feel afterwards. I didn't want to judge, because I'd been in her place before, but I wish I could have just yelled at her right then and there that she could find fulfillment in much better ways... It's the same with many of my coworkers. Seeing them pour their energy into empty pursuits is draining to watch, and I'm also faced with a bit of a stigma, or the fact that I'm a novelty, because I'm one of the only practicing Christians in the building. I did learn today that one of the other new hires is actually also a Christian, and is in a Christian band! Unexpected suprise much? Anyways, things at work are rough. Added to that is the problem created by project itself versus work - that project time and prime time in the restaurant industry both happen to be the evening and weekends. My boss is starting to look at my name at the schedule and wonder why he hired me again. It's a frustrating situation, because I am personally very committed to working with these people and ministering to them (one of the reasons I came on project), but project itself is sort of defeating the cause. I'm learning a lot, and I can already see growth and positive change in myself, but I feel like I am literally being torn in two.

Anyways, I don't want to drive too far down that path. Things are being set in motion that will hopefully give everyone a bit more peace in this area. I've had to scale back my social time with teammates in order to maintain my internal sanity, which is in part why I was able to write an entry tonight. To go from living with just yourself plus family to living very closely with 29 other people is an intense shift, and I'm starting to realize the value in solid quiet time, and actually using the quiet moments to be with God or my thoughts, and not just zone out. There's been a lot of spiritual battles fought in the past few days, and I guess I'm not liking that I'm finding myself currently embroiled in one. God's been showing me a lot about real love, and not the man-woman kind, but the G0d-human or human-human kind. That things aren't always rosey and nice, but we're still called to serve and love all the same. This city is easy to love on the nice sunny days, or when the people are fun and friendly, but can you actually say you love the city when it's cold and rainy, and people seem to ignore you or be caught up or busy? What about people themselves? Do you love someone only when they're happy or when they're healthy... or as I started to realize today, when they're hurting? How can you love someone when their life is totally normal and nothing seems to be going on?

I made an interesting observation today. During prayer, I had a minor breakdown, thanks to the lack of private time to just sit down and cry. So I had a few people come over to me in the middle of prayer and eagerly tell me nice things and such. I appreciate them and truly believe that they spoke with good intentions, but it felt like almost a pounce, that people eagerly stepped in to comfort... without understanding why they were comforting. It made me realize something. At that moment, yes, I was feeling pretty sore inside (or else I wouldn't have needed to cry!), but there wasn't anything WRONG with me, per se, no hurt that needed anything but God... actually, the only thing I could say that was wrong was that I'd been so busy in the past few days that I had been holding my breath spiritually, and had started to suffocate. But rather than letting me explain further, or just be, people felt the need to pour on praise or encouragement. I guess what I'm getting at is, it felt a little fake or contrived, and it gave me vision as to how I don't want to be with the people I meet here or with my coworkers. I want to be real. Really real, and get to know people in a really real way. Just as God is really real, and not some hocus pocus make-believe to me, something that I dreamed up one day. God is a really real part of my life, and he's made a huge impact. I didn't really realize until today what I meant when I said in the past I want to be 'real' with people, but I realized in part what that would look like today. I hope that all made sense, I'm still working through in my head what this all means. I don't want to show up at work on Aug. 2 (the day after project ends) and suddenly revert to the 'normal, non-project Erin', thus voiding the Erin that everyone got to know over the summer previously. I've been praying it over, and I'd appreciate if some of you would also lift this up in prayer (apart from the other huge things that are contained in this post), the idea of giving up drinking almost totally. It's kind of a shock to me, but the more I think about it, the more I think this is a really good choice for me and for people around me. My pride wants to make me think that I can have just one or two and be 'okay' but past experience in recent months has taught me otherwise. It also depends on the company I've got with me. Drinking with 'carnal' Chrisitans or non-Christians and drinking with Christians who are solid in their faith and are walking with God have provided two totally different experiences, and the latter is pretty much normal to the point of positive as far as drinking experiences go. So I don't want to be legalistic and say no drinking ever, and then miss out on enjoying a drink or two with good people. I guess I'm processing what my boundaries are going to be, and it's kind of neat to be honest. I went through the same thing when I thought about dating again, and it revealed a lot about how I've changed and grown in my commitment to God. But that's another entry enitrely.

Whew, so sorry this was a long one, I hope that I made some semblance of sense through the whole thing. I just wanted to get an update up.

Oh sheesh, and I haven't even talked about PROJECT stuff. I'm on the city-wide Movement Development Area team (MDA team, for short), which means we're going to be focusing our efforts less on students per se, and more on the general population of Halifax. This Saturday we're hitting the streets for some random evangelism and then hopefully going door to door with quick surveys to get an idea of the spiritual 'climate' of the city. I'm pretty excited. We haven't really gone sharing since the first week here, and while I want to share at work, I want to get to know my coworkers better, so as not just to preach at them but to work with them etc. There's a different level of connection with random evangelism and surveys, and people are actually a lot more candid when you don't know them. So if you could lift up the team in your prayers on friday night or saturday, that'd be great!

Okay, for real, I'm out for the night. Hopefully updates will be a bit more frequent, as I try to spend more quality time here at home.

Peace.
(I got halfway through writing this thought, was interrupted and saved the entry to finish and post at a later date. Here is as far as I got... a new update will be up soon.)

Thanks to those of you who have been writing comments and emails - knowing people at home are thinking of me/us and praying for me/us is really encouraging. Life in the Halibubble (Halifax bubble!) is going well. The honeymoon phase is starting wear off, as we all knew it inevitably would, but there are a lot of really solid people here and so most conflicts seem to be resolved fairly quickly. If you could keep the unity of the team and personality clashes in your prayers though, I know that would be appreciated by everyone here.

Since starting work, I've been thinking a lot about God and what it means to be here, how I got here, and what the rest of this summer is going to look like. When I was in Scotland and realized that I had to go to Halifax, I didn't really ask questions (which was totally the opposite from when I realized that I had to go to Scotland... live and learn!). I applied, prayed (prayed a lot) and waited. When I was accepted, I admit that I expected to get all of my support in immediately, thinking I was an 'old pro' at raising support. Duh, God's doing the real raising, and of course he wants to challenge me in my faith. And God provided (and them some), and I did grow in faith. Even getting a job, which required due effort on my part, was relatively 'easy', all thanks going to God. As we prepared to leave for Halifax, I couldn't help but wonder how I got off so easy. My little 'push' came to a lot of 'shove' in most of the situations I encountered. God is a great provider, for sure, and all he requires is faith. Thinking about it a bit more though, and as I mentioned earlier, I wondered what that meant for the rest of my summer, how work would actually be and what would it be like to spend 3 months living in the Halibubble. I realized that God hadn't made things 'easy' for me, but had been preparing me and my stubborn heart, just as I'd been praying. My biggest challenge wasn't going to be getting here, it was going to be being here. Breaking new ground in a new workplace with a much rougher set of coworkers, being in an environment that I admit presents a huge temptation on many levels - many of my coworkers are my age or slightly older and male, and conversations frequently circle around drinking, sex, and other worldly things. My challenge is to love these people where they're at. To not not act above them (ie look down upon them) or drop to their level, but meet them where they're at. Frightening, if you're me, who is most of the time 'loveably awkward' in conversation, or quietly focused. The only one I can rely on is God, and I'm seeing that more and more. I love God so much, and I'm so thankful for the person he's forming me into.

I got a chance to share my testimony with a few of my teammates last night, which was a bit shocking for one of them considering the 'graphic' nature of some parts. I'm a very honest person, I'll say that much. It was so encouraging for all of us though, especially (and oddly enough), me. I haven't given my full testimony in a while, and as I did give it, I had much clearer picture of God and my own womanhood. It was exhilerating. I 'celebrated' 9 months of walking with God last Sunday, a number whose significance isn't lost on me.

I'm a little sad that I didn't continue on with my last thought, but I've sort of forgotten where I was going with that. 9 months seems significant I suppose in that it takes 9 months for a human child to come to full term and then is born into the world. I know we are reborn as children of God in an instant, really. Within a breath or two your whole life can change. Thinking further on the analogy, if you think about the way we recreate, I think we can see into God's mind a bit deeper. In a few breathless moments, a child can be conceived, but it takes time for that child to go from conception to birth, and from birth into a full grown human. Our spiritual growth seem to trend in a similar way. Milk, then solid food (in reference to 1 Corinthians, haha - anyone here in the Halibubble reading this blog will get it, and for the rest of you, it's what we're studying currently) . Anyways, that's all I can conclude about that thought... I'll get into more recent news in a new post.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

It's a beautiful, sunny day here in Halifax. Not at all cold and dreary. The temperature for today is supposed to be around 28 degrees, which is AWESOME. Hopefully once I'm done my chores I'll have a chance to get out and enjoy some of it. I would be going out with the others and helping them hunt for jobs, but my feet have a few really nasty blisters on them from all of our walking, and I work tomorrow, so I'm giving them a bit of a break.

Speaking of work, for those who don't know, I got a job last week at the Lower Deck as a line cook. Not totally glamorous, but a totally interesting place to work. They seat about 500 people a DAY, so it's a big leap from what I"m used to at the Tea Room. Easily the busiest restaurant in Halifax... pray for my sanity, haha! Seriously though, I was warned that as a Christian I might find myself uncomfortable there. I trust that it's the right place for me to be, but I'd appreciate prayers of protection and endurance.

Being in Halifax means a weird mix of feelings. On the one hand, it's a new city and I don't know my way around as well as I'd like to, I don't know the best places to go for this or that, etc. But on the other hand, it feels a lot like Sarnia, so I feel right at home. I like Halifax a lot, and I wouldn't mind living here. It's definitely a place I could see myself putting down roots as well as planting seeds in (take that however you'd like to take it, hahaha). Spiritually, it's a very open place...

OH! I just realized how long it's been since I shared with you all. We went out sharing faith for the first time on tuesday night. My partner Ben and I met with 3 different people - please pray for Kaitlin (sp?) who is Catholic and interested in coming to our weekly meetings, Jill who is very interested in learning more about Christianity, and Rodrigo and Bethany, who we met at the end of the evening and ended up hanging out with at Rodrigo's soccer game where we met some of Bethany's friends. Whew. It was a really exciting night for Ben and I, as the people we met were very friendly and open to hearing the Gospel/about God. This city is unique from other Canadian cities like Toronto, or Hamilton (yes I realize there are other cities other than those two..) in that people are actually willing to talk to strangers, and get to be friends with them. Polar opposite from the culture in Scotland actually. At the end of the evening, we had 2 people pray to recieve Christ and they will be 'followed up' throughout the summer! Their names are Denise and Vivy, please pray for our new sisters!

It's amazing how quickly we settled into being a team. We're already sharing living spaces, cutlery, advice, recipes, encouragement... it's like we've known everyone forever, but still have lots to learn. I love my roommates, and we get along great so far. Sure there are little conflicts, but we're all pretty mature (me and my bubbles being the possible exception ;o)) so they're easily overcome. God's really put something amazing together for this summer. I'm so very, very excited.

Olga and I had a really interesting experience last night. There is a small group of German university students studying here at St. Mary's for the summer, and Olga met one of them (Sylvia) in the elevator of our building the other day. Last night, the three of us, plus two other guys from their team, Mirco and Roland (don't forget to rrrroll that R!) went out for "drinks" (virgin caesars for Olga and I... blech!!) and talked about all kinds of cultural differences and what we're studying. It was amusing, to say the least. Their English is very good, so it wasn't hard to communicate. It turns out that Sylvia is a Christian too, but we're not sure about the guys. We enjoyed hanging out and talking and they all want to hang out with us again, so I'm excited for that. It's good to get out and meet people and make connections, rather than staying around in my own 'Christian bubble'. My first challenge was actually declining to drink alcohol last night. Going out for drinks for me usually involves actually drinking alcohol, but I didn't this time. I can't say that awful caesar was a great reward, but it did speak about who Olga and I are as people.

There's lots I could write about, but I think that's enough for now... I'll include some contact information for you all, because I LOVE getting things. Definitely do not hesitate to send me your mailing address, as postcards and letters are just as fun to write as they are to receive!

Erin MacMillan
Apt. #704 Rice Residence
Saint Mary's University
Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
B3H 3C3

(902) 491-8668 ext. 3186 (I cannot make outgoing long distance calls from this number, but I can definitely receive incoming ones!)

outside-the-lines(at)hotmail(dot)com (you know what to do with those words in the brackets!)

Blessings!

Erin

Friday, May 04, 2007

Hey folks! Wow, what to say first... I'm here with my suitemates, chatting with them about how I don't even know where to begin this post. These past three days alone have been a big adventure. Through it all, I've really been realizing how God really works in the most average and everyday situations. Part of the attraction of taking the bus to Halifax was the great amount of trust we had to put in God to see everything through. In case you didn't know, Olga and I only had our bus tickets bought up to Montreal... beyond that, we weren't sure if we could catch our later connections. But, God is so good, and we had beautiful weather and no major hassles the whole way there. Minor things like a lack of sleep on the overnight ride meant a long sleepy day through New Brunswick, but we arrived safe and sound on Thursday night.

What can I tell you about Halifax? It's hilly. Everything slopes down towards the harbor, so you're either walking uphill, or downhill most of the time. The houses are much more unique here than they are back home, and it's a bit colder. I have to say, I love it here. There's something about this city...

Today was a great day though. I spent my morning applying for jobs aaaand... I'm now a line cook at the Lower Deck pub! Pretty sweet, and definitely praise-worthy event. I'll update you on how that goes. Anyways, I'm keeping the roomies up, so I'll shut down for the night.

Cheers, and God bless everyone!

Wednesday, May 02, 2007

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go...

Well folks, this is pretty much it. In about 4 hours I'll be up and closing one chapter of this year, and opening another one. Amazing. It's finally here. I'm sorry I haven't begun 'my story' yet. These past two days have been a lot of running around and organizing, and reorganizing. You will be utterly amazed at how much you can fit into 2 suitcases and a carry-on these days. So much for 'packing light'...

I have to say, today was totally crazy. Nothing I expected, that's for sure. I ended up running all my last minute errands with Tricia, and that involved printing off her letter for her STINT in Panama! Glad I could be involved. :) By the end of the afternoon, I had my last chunk of support sent to head office, done the letters, bought a cute skirt and two new tops, socks, and a TEAPOT. And I copied some of the best recipes out of the binders from work. So we're eatin' well this summer! I can't wait!

As I was heading out for my last run, I managed to see a very good friend (the best) on the way, and we ended up catching up this evening. Unexpected, but really good. I've missed her! I had what I think will be my last drink of the summer before heading home to wrap up some last minute details.

This is really happening. Tomorrow morning, Olga and I will board a bus and zoom off for the summer. God was amazingly faithful in bringing in all of my support on time, the people he's surrounded me with... every corner I turned today I couldn't help but feel totally blessed. I'm expecting big things this summer. Pray big everyone. :)

Speaking of prayer, if you're reading this and feel called to, please pray for our travels tomorrow and Thursday. We've got some awkward late night layovers and spots where we're stepping out in faith concerning purchasing tickets. Also, pray for our general safety. I've got no reason to believe things will be anything but ordinary, but you've all heard crazy travel stories before. I'm down with meeting interesting people - that's part of the adventure! But I'd like to stay safe in the long run!

Before I wrap this up and grab a few hours of sleep, I have to share a fun fact: In organizing myself for a massive resume drop-off on Friday morning, I was looking up the addresses for all of the restaurants I'm applying to. I grinned when I saw where the Comfy Corner Cafe is located. After all these years of being a Trews fan, I'm actually going to stand on the corner of Hollis and Morris Street.

Standing on the corner of Hollis
and Morris street
Where the evil other half do meet
Won't you send me a saint from
grace, round here there's none
to be had

Hmm. I haven't really listened to these lyrics in a while. They've got interesting new meaning now...

...See you all this weekend!