Something a little lighter (but definitely not shorter)

This won't be totally palette cleansing after the last post, but it will probably be shorter.

This weekend, of course, was Summit - Campus for Christ's annual fall retreat. Amazing people, amazing worship, amazing speakers, and of course, an amazing God made for an amazing weekend. It was definitely a little more laid back feeling than last year, which is probably because I didn't meet nearly as many people or share my testimony 40 times... I definitely did meet a number of very quality people from schools across southern Ontario and met up with old friends from projects past.

The Leonard Beuhler (sp?), the President of C4C Canada (now called 'Power to Change') and Mike Woodard, national director for Campus for Christ (the campus ministry) were the speakers for the weekend. I want to say that the talks they gave were pretty usual, but when God is involved, of course, things are never usual.

Addressing the crowd of students a number of times, Leonard's talk on the ministry of the Holy Spirit, and how important being filled with the Spirit is in following Christ really stuck out to me. Especially when he put a slide up depicting the Spirit-filled individual (full of the fruits of the Spirit) and the attributes of a carnal Christian. When asked to pinpoint which attributes of the latter we could identify with, I was dismayed that I needed both hands to count. It wasn't so surprising, I guess. I have been struggling these past few weeks (see post below for a good example), but I figured that things were pretty good. I'm someone who believes we're filled with the Spirit upon making a decision for Christ. I felt the immediate impact the moment I became a Christian, but I have to admit, the 'feeling' doesn't always carry.

I'm probably doing a very inadequate job of making this clear, but I'll try my best. Basically, I've got the Spirit, but I've been doing a poor job of relying on Him to help build my relationship with Christ, and lead me in life in general. My prayer times and devotional times have really suffered a blow since school started, and I've been doing a pretty bad job of missing 'dates' with God. I can't remember if was Leonard or not who pointed out that 'you wouldn't miss a date with a boyfriend or girlfriend... the same should go for God.' Ouch. "Sorry, Lord, doing ______ was more important than hanging out with you." I've slowly been relying on my own strength more and more, and more and more I'm missing quality contact with God. Spiritual suffocation. Ick.

So I'm so glad that even though my initial attitude was "Ok, we've gone over this before", God still (as usual) got the point across. I'm definitely challenged to commit more time to prayer and devos than I have been, and while I'm starting tonight effectively, something really cool starts tomorrow that I want to let you know about...

2000 for 500: Asking God to Draw Students to Faith

If you're a student or staff with C4C, you've probably heard of this new prayer initiative. Last year, 143 students made a faith decision, and this year, we're asking God for another miracle: 500 students to make the decision to enter into a relationship with Jesus, with special emphasis on Quebecois and Muslim students - two of the most unreached student groups across Canada. There's a chance on the website to sign up for a 15-minute prayer slot, or you could just pray as you're led to over the course of the week (and beyond!). I'm encouraged. Very encouraged. And I'll definitely be praying for these goals, and hopefully going sharing more regularly. I've been challenged to step up in faith, that's for sure.

This is getting long, but I'm adding this as well because it's on the more serious side of things. I was totally encouraged to have a number of fellow students, who are praying about where God is calling them, approach me and ask about the projects I've taken part in. This is really an answer to prayer. You obviously don't need to go on a project to reach people, but stepping out of your comfort zone to a) raise support b) go to a foreign place and c) engage total strangers in faith discussions is a huge leap of faith and shows so much commitment to working for the gospel. It's also an amazing way to build faith and character, and grow closer to the Lord. So obviously I want others to experience all these things and more, and thus I was more than happy to discuss my experiences, the challenges, the joys, and everything in between with people who are considering project. Praise God for that!

I ended up meeting up with a fellow Scotland projectile, Hilary, and we had some excellent and challenging talks about Scotland, where we're at in our lives with that, and whether or not we're feeling the call to go back. Well, I guess there's no arguing we're feeling called. I've been feeling a tug ever since Halifax began to come to a close. Seeing the project video and retracing my experiences with those interested students and with Hilary really made a light flicker on in my heart. Scotland is still a nation desperately in need of God. That hasn't changed. We saw a lot of fruit for two weeks of work, but there is still so much more to be done. So, while I haven't officially applied or confirmed that yes, I am going, I am definitely keeping Scotland in my prayers, and will hopefully start the application process in the upcoming weeks. If you're feeling it, you could also partner in prayer with me over this.

Also growing in my heart is a desire to go back to Halifax. I feel this much more strongly than Scotland (though I do feel a strong pull to return to both places), and had a chance to sit down with a few staff members and students to talk about the process of applying to and experiencing STEP (a year-long internship on a Canadian campus, ideally Halifax but I'm satisfied with any campus) in Halifax. It seems crazy to even look at the words I just wrote and think about what they mean. Jen from U of T shared on stage how she felt called to STINT, but doubted the possibility. It wasn't until she finally gave in and agreed with God to apply that she felt peace about her decision, and saying now that I'm going back to Halifax fills me with both peace and excitement. After what seemed like just a taste this summer, I'm already ready to go back to Halifax and share Christ with others, and see believers built up in their faith. I'm already fairly sure about heading back to Halifax next summer as a projectile (with some of this year's projectiles potentially as interns, this could make for a lot of fun, and definitely a very passionate team!)

Going back means a lot of things, as does STEP. I can't number them all here (we'd be here all night), but I am definitely keeping both Scotland and Halifax (the places and the projects) in my prayers. I'm fully confident that God'll let me know where I'm supposed to be. Wherever I'm called, I'm excited to go for God.

Oh, and for those of you waiting on an update about the Halifax project that just passed, I should have that finished next weekend and sent out shortly afterwards. Expect it to contain information about upcoming projects.

Praise God for an awesome weekend and hundreds of students on fire for God. Keep praying and persevering!

Tough stuff.

Apologies to the avid blog readers for the length of time between posts. I'm doing much better at this than I thought I would, so, hah! (Warning you, this is going to be a long one.)

Normally I write down the bulk of my thoughts in a journal and then post the really interesting/thought provoking (hah!) stuff on here, but today I'm working without the filter. Between class and work and everything else, being 'real' has been hard and I'm feeling like I just haven't been honest with myself. This isn't a 'woe-is-me' post, it's just some tough stuff.. Because being reborn isn't all puppies and roses, right? And maybe we'll all gain some insight.

I saw some old friends today, friends I lived with in first year, actually, which was awesome. I was praying pretty hard for a familiar face today, so praise God for that. One of them, Ted, just got engaged, so congrats to him! I am happy for him... Really.

...what, that didn't sound convincing?

Okay. I am genuinely happy that he's happy and in love and planning to spend the rest of his life with a wonderful woman. But it's happening more and more now. Every time I hear about another engagement (this is the third in the last year), it feels like the rug is getting pulled out from beneath me. I literally get chills. I get scared.

Yeah. Scared.

It's completely foreign, and yet totally familiar and comprehensible. I used to panic thinking about death. Now I panic about life. Married life. Or maybe, a lack thereof...?

Okay, okay, so maybe I'm not so weird. I know there a lot of single people out there who also get that funny tummy clench when they hear yet another one of their friends is getting hitched, wondering when, if ever, they too will be waltzing down the aisle. My mind practically explodes every time I think about the ifs, whens, whats, and hows of relationships. We should be so lucky that that's all that explodes, given the need to issue biohazard suits after my last relationship meltdown...

I guess my real issue is this - and this is pure, down-to-earth, realness, folks - I've know where I've been, I know what I'm capable of (or incapable of, sigh), and... well, it's scary. We're capable of a lot of good things, but we're also capable of a lot of really, really hurtful things. You don't need blunt force to do a lot of damage. Heh, I don't need to rehash that. And so life moves on, right? I did find God, and I did come to understand more about relationships. Through sermons, through friends, through two amazing projects. Everything seemed pretty bright and shiny, coming home from Halifax, with fresh passion and fresh perspective. Maybe I was ready for this relationship thing.. you know, with boys. And that's when I realized it.

I'm terrified to be in a relationship again. Or, terrified that I'll never get there. I'm not a fun, fluffy type. As my DGL Wendy said this summer, "You're into really, really deep relationships. Shallow isn't good enough." (Well, it was something like that. I'm paraphrasing). And see, there's two problems here that are tied in with all this:

A) First (and importantly), it means God's not getting in on the ground floor on this one. Trusting God with money, no worries. Trusting God with school, no worries. Trusting God with my love life... well, logically, who better to trust, right? And thus we reveal problem number 1! I'm a control freak when it comes to relationships. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but it pains me so much to admit that I can't let something so important rest in the hands of the one who'd give it the utmost of care. I would love to have a healthy, happy relationship with someone I care deeply about. Which leads us to our second point...

B) Because I'm so defensive and uptight about potentially having another person hurt me again, or worse, hurting someone else myself, and because I've definitely struggled with godliness and purity in relationships before, I'm, well, defensive and uptight. Which not only makes for poor romantic relationships, it makes for poor ANY relationships. And therein lies a fault of mine, that I've admitted before. I'm intensely physical, and for as long as I can remember, relationships, especially the romantic kind, are validated through physicality. Not only that, I quickly realized how to manipulate my relationship (I'm being very specific now) in ways that resulted in that physicality. I was just validating myself. 'Boyfriend' became 'convenience'. Not much relating going on there.

And then things tangle slightly further. Part of giving up control to God means... well, giving up my agendas. My desires. Dying to myself. "Those that strive to touch a star oft stumble of a single straw."

Straw, thy name is Ess-ee-ex. (that's 'sex', for the phonetically challenged...)

Really, as complicated as this all sounds, it's pretty simple. I want what God wants, because I know that's best. But I also know that I've got a powerful sexual nature that can, if allowed, get absolutely out of hand. Sex isn't bad, kids. But it's best expressed when it's constructive (i.e., an expression of love, self-sacrificial act, not a method of control, etc) However, most situations where I find myself, well, in need, are not constructive situations, and so I'm constantly beating back on this supposedly healthy urge. Following me here? To be doing this constantly is, well, exhausting. Obviously. Or I wouldn't have written you an essay about it. Duh.
And I'm sure I'm not alone.

And that's kind of the point of writing all this, I suppose. Because I made a promise a long time ago (about a year now, to be exact) that I would start being more real, more the woman God intended me to be. And I realized that there were going to be potholes and roadblocks along the way. But rather than cover them up or pretend like they're not there, I'm sharing, because maybe this will encourage someone else. And hey, I feel encouraged just writing this down. It's a daily battle, for all of us. The enemies we fight may look different, but we all know the outcome, and we can take hope in that. I found incredible hope in a verse from Hebrews the other day, so I'll share it with you in parting:

"In bringing many sons to glory, it was
fitting that God, for whom and through
whom everything exists, should make
the author of their salvation perfect through
suffering. Both the one who makes men holy
and those who are made holy are of the same
family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers.
He says,
'I will declare you name to my brothers;
in the presence of the congregation I
will sing your praises'
And again,
'I will put my trust in him.'
And again he says,
'Here am I, and the children god has given me'
Since the children have flesh and blood, he too
shared in their humanity so that by his death he
might destroy him who holds the power of death -
that is, the devil - and free those who all their lives
were held in slavery by their fear of death.
For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants.
For this reason he had to be made like his brothers
in every way, in order that he might become a
merciful and faithful high priest in service to God,
and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.
Because he himself suffered when he was tempted,
he is able to help those are being tempted."
(Hebrews 2:10-18)

Update Time!

Hey friends, it's been a little while (but not as long as usual!)...

So, this has been quite the... week and a half. Two weeks. Something like that. Last week started out like any other week, but quickly launched into the realm of the extraordinary(ily difficult), as I started out on an 8 day work week that turned from some waitressing and some cooking to just cooking when my coworker sliced her finger on Tuesday, requiring several stitches... days later, all chaos broke loose when my boss lost her wedding and engagement rings and everyone straddled two jobs as we all searched high and low and tended the shop. I think worked outside the kitchen as much as inside that day... thank goodness, by Friday morning we had found both rings, and my boss was in a much better mood. Good thing, too, because we had an extraordinary number of customers in. The weekend carried on much the same way, until Sunday, when the girl I was supposed to train as a kitchen assistant forgot she was working as a KA and showed up 3 hours late, and then nearly fainted twice thanks to a previous bout of heat stroke. She was a trooper, but ended up heading home. It was a spot of craziness on an already crazy day, for sure. So yes, that was an exciting 8 days. Maybe not terribly interesting for you, but that's the way the cookie crumbles, my friend.

As for this week, well! I got a snazzy new cell phone , and started the school year yesterday. With a bang, I might add. I'll be catching the 6:45 AM bus twice a week to get to early classes at York this term, and yesterday was the first go-round with that. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but we'll see what I'm saying come November! My electives this year are ace. Renaissance and Baroque Art and Architecture and Weather and Climate. Yup, I'm a nerd, I'm in love with both. I've got to wait till Monday to get a taste of my design courses, but all except one are ones I've started in before, so I don't really expect anything too shocking.

The REAL fun from yesterday was meeting up with people from C4C and helping out with our O-Week booth. We met so many students who are hungry to know more about God, and who want to get involved or learn more. I even met a girl who seemed stoked about a mission trip to Scotland! (But who wouldn't be, really? ;) It was definitely interesting to be in on the 'ground floor' on the campus.. I've stayed pretty aloof for four years (there's that sticky pride issue again!), and I'm only just now seeing a bigger part of campus life. Kind of exciting. Kind of scary. I'm totally stoked. This is going to be the best year yet.

Seriously.