Reason, and Chapter Two

There is just no way to reason about playing 6 hours of games when I should be studying.

What is it about a vast expanse of free time that screams "Go, play!", when I know I should be studying? ...Okay, maybe it's a stupid question.

How about, Why do I choose what's bad for me, even when I know what's best? The time I wasted last night is time I wasted in the full knowledge that there was and is something more valuable I could be spending my free evening doing. And I don't just mean studying, either.

See, something I did do yesterday was read through the second chapter of Don't Waste Your Life. The further I get, the happier I am I decided to pick it up again. The chapter, titled Breakthrough: the Beauty of Christ, My Joy, is very much applicable. I'm not a student of literature, and my encounters with literary study have been few, especially since coming to university. I consider this a shame. However, Piper's criticism of scholarly treatments of literary text resonated with me. In several courses I've been encouraged to apply my interpretation of a particular reading, to override the author's intentions with my own vision for what their piece meant. But, in so doing, we start to muddy things! As Piper states, "If there is only one life to live in this world, and if it is not to be wasted, nothing seemed more important to me than finding out what God really meant in the Bible, since he inspired men to write it. If that was up for grabs, then no one could tell which life is worthy and which life is wasted." (p. 24) His point being, by deciding to interpret and apply the text as you see fit, the reader robs the text of the author's intended meaning. If we understand the author of the bible to be God, who is Love, Truth, Justice, Wisdom, and Strength, among other things, then would it not make sense to seek with every fiber of our being to discover the meaning of his words?

The rest of the chapter Piper spends explaining how he continued to learn The Obvious and seek objective meaning from the bible... and of course, the answer to The Meaning Of Life. Now, reading this nearly two years after becoming a Christian, his words are far less shocking to me, though no less potent: God's intent is to display his glory, and our purpose is to glorify him by delighting in him. To be truthful, though I'd of course heard this over and again for the last almost-two years, Piper's explanation of this truth is one of the most eloquent I've read, and easily one of the most comprehensible! I, like Piper, have been wrestling for the last few months with, as Piper puts it, "what is right, and what is inevitable" (p. 31) (emphasis mine). What is right is that we glorify God, and what is inevitable is that we seek our own happiness. As someone who's dealt with a lot emotionally for the last 3 years, it would of course be a natural response to seek happiness. What I have honestly struggled with is that glorifying God and my happiness have seemed two entirely different things!

Some fundamental part of me (the part that bears the thumbprint of my maker, no doubt, as well as the Holy Spirit) has always recognized this as a problem, a glitch in my understanding. I laughed a little ruefully when I read further, "Compounding the problem was that many who seemed to emphasize the glory of God in their thinking did not seem to be enjoying him much. And many who seemed to enjoy God most were defective in their thinking about his glory." (p. 31) In some ways, to me, desiring God seemed... undesirable. Icky. Between watching fellow Christians fling bible verses heedlessly at Atheists and skeptics, the arguments between denominations, and the constant struggle between my real self vs. my ideal self, my own faith had begun to leave a bad taste in my mouth. So, Piper's revelation that glorifying God and being happy are one and the same was something of a revelation for me as well, one that has challenged me to take my study of God's message to us much more seriously. "God created me - and you - to live with a single, all-embracing, all-transforming passion - namely, a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying his supreme excellence in all the spheres of life. Enjoying and displaying are both crucial. If we try to display the excellence of God without joy in it, we will display a shell of hypocrisy and create scorn or legalism..." (ibid.) (Emphasis mine - this definitely home)

Piper explains further on what exactly is meant by 'glorify', and I have to say, although I probably understood this word on some level, the cultured part of my mind always flinched when I heard it (much like words like, 'evangelize', and 'religious') - it seemed narcissistic. But, why SHOULD he get all the glory? Being Love, Truth, Justice, Wisdom, and Strength (as I mentioned before) has a lot to do with this. To be honest, it's still something I'm wrapping my head around. Piper offers the helpful metaphor that glorifying God is like magnifying God, in that if you magnify God as a telescope magnifies planets and stars, you are making something that is unfathomably large appear very clearly. Our lives are meant to show God more clearly - this is done by enjoying him. Again, part of me thinks this is amazing, and part of me thinks this outrageous.

I think what twisted the knife through my little heart, though, was a section on love that bears the title, "Does Being Loved Mean Being Made Much Of?"

Why yes, John, I believe it does.

Oh, shoot, is that wrong? This, unfortunately, is a belief I've held so close to me that I'm having a hard time escaping it. It became painfully obvious during my last relationship, but I have little doubt it has existed much, much longer than I'll ever recall. I still suffer from extreme self-interest - I will admit it. The fact that this blog exists is in part a testimony to that. The fact that my computer is full of pictures of myself is another. Pipers words are the smack upside the head that I have sorely needed for so very long: "Love is doing what is best for someone. But making self the object of our highest affections is not best for us. It is, in fact, a lethal distraction. We were made to see and savor God - and savoring him, to be supremely satisfied, and thus spread in all the world the worth of his presence. Not to show people the all-satisfying God is not to love them. To make them feel good about themselves when they were made to feel good about seeing God is like taking someone to the Alps and locking them in a room full of mirrors." (p. 33)

As I sit and write, and consider how this post started and where it is ending, something seems painfully clear to me. When asking myself how I can continue to fritter away useful time on worthless things, I normally cite a lack of motivation. But in so doing, I'm exempting myself from the more obvious issue - I can't even choose what is best for myself.

Sorry for another epically long post, it was probably as hard to write as it is for you all to read. I promise I'll post more cat pictures to make up for it!

Of Spring and Things

Well, I can't say this is an all-time low in the world of blog frequency, but to have been silent for six months is unacceptable! I won't stand for this!

So here I am.

To be truthful, I've been meaning to jot something down here just to get the ball rolling, but never seemed to come up with anything EPIC enough to break the silence with. I finally decided life is pretty hectic as it is, I don't need to wait around for EPIC!

So, school is almost done. I think the score for this year was something like School: 99 Erin: -3, but perhaps I'm exaggerating. In truth, I struggled a lot with staying focused and handing things in on time, really basic things that they're supposed to beat out of you in the primary grades. Actually, I was worried for a while that my procrastination was something recent, that I was some kind of super student before university... and then I found some old journals and they pretty much confirmed that I'm just a born procrastinator. Always have been, always will be.

So I've decided that this summer, I'm going to kick the pants off of my procrastination habits, say goodbye to useless things, timewasters, and anything unworthy of my attention. Yes, folks, it's true: this is the Summer Of Getting Things Done (SOGTD)... I'll think of a better acronym later. Oh, the irony.

I feel like I've raved to everyone, but just in case I missed you, I'll be working as a Manager Extraordinaire at Tea at the White House, my workplace of the past 6 years. I'm pretty stoked, as they've been nothing but stellar. If you're ever passing through Waterdown, come on over and visit - the odds are pretty excellent that I'll be working!

Apart from work and school, I've decided to start reading John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life, one of what seems to be about a dozen Christian standards, apart from the bible itself. To be truthful, I've been avoiding this book nervously, with a decent reason. When it was first given to me (lent, I should say...), I was maybe a week and a half out of my breakup, totally emotional, and just starting to open up to God. I was kind of at the point where I wanted to know What The Big Deal Was about God and life, and after discussing this with a coworker, she let me borrow her copy of the aforementioned book. I think I got about 3 chapters in before I burst into tears. Mum eyed the book suspiciously, and told me maybe I shouldn't read it if were going to make me upset. While she had a point - I definitely wasn't ready to read Piper's firm views on The Meaning of Life - I KNEW that I was faced with the truth that my life was meant to be changed by God. Terrifyingly, my whole world was going to change... if I let it. So, needless to say, the book and it's contents were at the same time meaningful, but wholly undigestable at the time.

So I shelved it, thinking I'd pick it up again when I'd come to terms with where things were going. Almost two years later, I'm a little more stable, a little more mature... but not so much of either that I couldn't use a good smack in the face. Realizing that I have a terrible addiction to the internet and that I also don't to spend the summer indoors hovering near the glare of the computer screen like a moth, I decided that it was time to un-shelf that puppy and Stop Wasting My Life.

I have to say, I'm glad that I have. I'm only one chapter in, as I'm taking time to think and push back on what I've read, but Piper's a bit more gentle than I remember him being. I'll update you with my thoughts when I've gotten a little farther.

Sorry this post was so long, and kudos to you if you made it this far. I'll try and break things up a little in the future!