Superbad Habits

So I'm pretty sure I forgot to mention it officially, but I found a new homechurch! I liked my old homechurch too, its only fault being that it is held on Monday nights, the same night as my winter and summer classes.

I like this new homechurch for the same reasons I like my old one - good atmosphere, friendly people, good discussion, and they have cats. Priorities, people. It also has the added bonus of being hosted by someone I actually already knew from church, so I felt at home almost instantly.

This week's discussion revolved around last Sunday's sermon, the first in a short series called Superbad (and NOT to be confused with the movie of the same title!), which brought to light some issues and attitudes surrounding sin, and how sin is dealt with. Of course the base understanding is that our sin is atoned for by Christ, but how do move on from there? If we are in the habit of committing the same sin, or beating ourselves up in the hopes at that we'll do better next time, are we being transformed? I know personally I struggle as a 'repeat offender' - I can't seem to break the cycle of certain bad habits, and just as Joel shared in the sermon, I too have had several people tell me not to fret - those wrongs are righted by Christ! That's very, very well and good, but it does little to help me as I struggle with what almost seems to be a dual nature. Read Romans 7:15-24 for a better idea of what I'm talking about here.

Andy, our homechurch leader, had us read Phillipians 3:4-6 to contrast the previous verses.

⁴though I myself have reasons for such confidence.

If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: ⁵circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; ⁶as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.

I'm still chewing on these two, but I believe Andy's point was the arrogance that legalism can tend to breed - "I did this, this, this, and this, so I'm that." - versus the humility of grace. Take a look at verse 24, and realize that this is the same man who wrote the above:

What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?

Paul is one of those guys, possibly even the guy of the bible whom I love to hate and hate to love, I've grown into his teachings and writing over the last while, though I still find myself at odds with some of the things he says. However, dude lived an amazing life and these two passages go to show the struggle that Paul, like this rest of us, endured all of his believing life. Externally, I may look like I have things pretty together, and I've fooled myself on numerous occasions into thinking that I really do have it all together. But then, as one of the other women put it last night, I get out of bed. I ought to get up every day thanking God and asking what I can do to serve today, but most days I fall into the same routine of doing pretty much exactly the opposite. Habit. It can be killer.

That isn't to say all habits are bad, of course. This blog is becoming one of my better habits. Keeping my room clean (which it has been, for the most part, for at least the last two weeks) is another. That may sound incredibly juvenile, but think about what your room says about your self-esteem, your work habits, etc. And learning a routine has been healthy, too.

Anyways, someone else also raised the point that if we happen to fall through on a promise we make or a habit we've tried to break, we're often very hard on ourselves. If a friend or a child or family member were to make the same mistake, we'd likely respond in a compassionate way. Help them back on the horse, so to speak. We often don't show the same healthy compassion towards ourselves. Have you ever found this? I'd never really thought of it until this person brought it up, but I'm pretty sure I'd never treat anyone around me to the kind of things I've said to myself over the past few months. Are there time-outs for verbally abusing yourself?

As the night wound down, there was one more thing that was said that made a very relieving click in my head. In OT times, of course, whenever the Israelites broke a law, they were required to make a sacrifice. What hadn't occurred to me was the sacrifice had to be presented at the temple - the dwelling place of God. Doing wrong literally brought the Jews to God's doorstep. Living under grace as we are, we aren't required to make sacrifices in the same way, as the price has already been paid. But, as I suggested above, how often to we find ourselves at God's feet when we've done something wrong? I can honestly say, my habit is to give myself a good duffing before I even consider praying it over. I'm actually quite amazed to realize it, because that's not grace at all!

Does anyone else find this? Or is it the opposite for you? I know I've also swung the other direction, where I simply shrug off whatever it is I've done, too disappointed in myself to deal with it. Sometimes, I'm not even disappointed. It's going to be an interesting few weeks.

This Day Is Just Full of Win

When I received my $46.02 cell phone bill for my $25-a-month plan the other day for the nth time since signing my contract with Canada's own Beaver-Friendly phone company, I consoled myself - patted myself on the back, even - with the knowledge that while I'm stuck with the darn plan for the next 2.5 years, at least I take darn good care of my phone! I entertained such foolish notions until in a fit of characteristic absentmindedness I threw my shoulder bag into the wash last night, having made a super-human effort to remove all keys, pens, wrappers, and certain assorted - ahem - feminine care products from every one of its dark corners, but assuring myself that my phone was in my other purse. Of course, we all know that the phone not only rode the Wild Washing-Machine Express, it took a stray tampon as its traveling companion too! Neither party survived, naturally. I'm hoping that the restorative April sunshine will save my forgetful butt.

At least I own the cleanest, most-expensive, non-functioning $25-a-month phone ever.

And I Have No Idea Why There Was Suddenly A Train In The Front Yard, Either

Okay. I confess. I stayed up until 3 AM last night reading stories about the challenges of being a pregnant woman in this day and age, because even though I doubt I'll ever marry and have kids of my own, I'm still fascinated by babies(!) Even though I have way more important things to do, like you know, SLEEP.

So of course, when I finally did go to bed, I dreamed that I was not only pregnant, but pregnant with the world's biggest baby and could barely move under the weight of my massive abdomen. And then my water broke in my nana's kitchen - and boy did it ever break - and then my alarm went off at 9 AM.

Unfortunately, I hadn't had the 11 hours of sleep I had the previous night, else I would have laid in a half-conscious state and mentally childed myself for being stupid. I fell groggily back into bed until my boss called at 10 AM asking if I could work a few hours on what's looking to become a very heinous Saturday (I can't, unfortunately - Ottawa). I mustered all the faculties of speech I could to tell her so, and then collapsed back into bed.

And dreamed that I my nana's house now not only located somewhere in the hilly escarpment countryside, it going to be the temporary location for my workplace, complete with mismatched end tables draped in table cloths. As I stood in the kitchen wondering the obvious - what are the customers going to think when they realize the furniture doesn't all match - my boss (mother of the boss who called on the phone) wandered downstairs in a pink fluffy housecoat looking
miserable. She's not feeling well, but hey, now that we've got this great new location she can lie down on the overstuffed couch in the basement and not worry because oh I know you and the others will do such a great job you're such a great team, you dream team, you. And so she disappears downstairs and customers start arriving and asking for menus which I can't find because this a house and not a restaurant and where is the cook and hey come back here I need to finish explaining duties and shoot that woman sitting at the kitchen table is giving me the skunk eye. And then all my staff went off to play in the fields with the shirtless boys working outside next door and I was left trying to convince one of the customers to have a Gloucester instead of a Somerset, while wondering who in their right mind ever thought this was a good idea.

Who's going to stay up till 3 AM tonight? NOT ME!

Surreality

I woke up in the most confused of states this morning. One of the joys of possessing both an active imagination and a highly visual mental atmosphere seems to be a very vivid, realistic dream life. This morning's sleep-induced fantasy was exceptionally bizarre and contained enough reality that I lay in bed for a full 20 minutes sorting out whether I had a place to live in the fall and whether or not I needed to get on the phone and argue mum and dad into staying in Waterdown.

Dreams described in words are rarely ever as lucid, but essentially what happened seemed to stem from an offhand comment my dad made about he and mum leaving for Saudi Arabia to live eventually (though nowhere in the near future, thankfully). In the dream, my parents had not only decided they were moving to Ottawa - they had bought a house there, and traded our house here for a smaller one up the street. My brothers and I would continue to live in Waterdown while they left for an early retirement. This alone caused much mental chaos, as both of my brothers nowhere near secure in their future plans and aren't even working, while I'm struggling to pay for my last year of school... where will the money for groceries come from? How can I keep house and be a fuller than full-time student? Add to that the weirdness of buying the house from my childhood friend, and having to coordinate as we move their stuff into our old house and our stuff into theirs while mum and dad pack their bags and leave without so much as a kiss on the cheek and a wave...

It was all terribly confusing, but thank goodness it was a dream. It's not a good indication of my mental state though, is it?

And it makes me all the more nervous to visit Ottawa this weekend. Mustn't let my parents get any crazy ideas...

This past week

It's sad in a way that I kept track of my last week in order to inform you all of the happenings in my life, but at least I can accurately say where the time went when asked.

It's been a busy week!

I worked a few days here and there, which actually wore me out enough that for a few glorious days I was actually tired and in bed at around 11 PM, rather than the usual 1 or 2 AM... which allowed me lots of wakeful time during the day on Friday to take a walk. A 3 hour walk! I can't tell you how excited I am that spring is here in Waterdown! Here are some signs to prove it!

Look, you can see the driveway again!

I wasn't the only one soaking up the sun, either

This mallard male was watching out for his lady-friend on the shore of Grindstone Creek.

Mum and I agree, we're planting crocuses next year! They look so nice!


I took about 130 photos, mostly to continue fooling around with the light settings on the camera. I'm still learning, as you can see. Many of these had to be heavily tweaked.

Saturday was a busy day, as I attended Meg's bridal shower, the C4C summer project going-away party, and my nana's birthday party. The whole day had me travel from Hamilton to downtown TO to north TO to Burlington and back home again, and once again the van proves she's still got an ounce of life in her! Unfortunately, I only have pictures of the shower, but they're pretty swell:

That's Meg on the left, with Cheryl and Chenene, two gals from York on her right. I love the colours!

"Boxers, or Briefs??" Meg thinking hard during the 'How-Well-Do-You-Know-Your-Future-Spouse-And-How-Can-We-Exploit-You" game!

Cheryl, our 'bride' during the toilet-paper brides game. I still think we should play this more often...

Loghan, the littlest bride!

Meg's present-opening chapeau...

It was great to see so many people together all in one day, though the birthday party of course turned into an argument about money and careers. Oh so fun.

I've been finding it harder and harder to stay focused again. Of course, it's easy to while away hours on the computer, but it's also a crime to do so because of the weather. I tried to sit down and read on my walk, but the bugs and the sights and the sounds were just too distracting. I'm going to have to figure out some kind of action plan. Tomorrow's plan includes getting up early and heading out for a walk/hike, and then working away the 'hot' hours of the afternoon on school-related things. I'll be crafting a Scotland update within the next 24 hours as well, which I'll post here. Lots to look forward to...

In the meantime, I'll leave you all with this final picture. My coworker Angela (the one holding the money and wearing the ridiculous(ly awesome) floral muumuu) invited me over for an Asian-inspired murder-mystery dinner a few weeks ago... with hilarious results. Can you guess which one is me?

It took us four hours to figure out who the murderer was, but by golly was it ever funny seeing everyone dressed up and playing their characters. It was a horribly stereotypical perspective on Asian culture.. but all in good fun, right? ;)

The End... Sort Of.

On Tuesday night I finished my art history exam after three hours of writing, set my pencil down, and let out the biggest sigh of relief I think I've sighed all year. With that last exam under my belt, I've almost kicked off the last of this winter term. Just a few odds and ends to take care of before the end of April, and I get to launch into my summer theater course full-swing!

This week has been interesting and very rewarding. It's the first week in a long time that I can say convincingly that I've put in a good work effort. I studied hard for my exam, I worked like a dog yesterday and today, and last night I was even in bed and asleep before 11 PM - nothing short of a miracle.

The outlook for the next few weeks is busy. I've got a portfolio to work on and put together, and I've agreed to organize our offerings for a city-wide rummage sale for work. I'll be learning to bake scones, I've just attended my first night of homechurch in months and loved it, and of course I'm doing my daily study and reading. It feels nice to be working on a variety of things, and go to bed tired rather than buzzed and anxious.

I won't get much more in-depth than that, as I'm quite tired from work and there's a chance that I'll get called in again tomorrow. Thanks for reading, folks, and I hope you're all well. A more lively version of myself will hopefully be around tomorrow to post thoughts on tonights homechurch and more of Chapter Two!

Here comes the...

What a fun afternoon! My friend Bek is getting married in a month(!) and had her bridal shower today. I've never ever been to a bridal shower, even though I've hosted oodles at work. We had delicious treats, huggled Bek a lot, and played toilet paper brides. Oh, and then she got a mountain of presents (including both the practical and the scandalous!) - which she and Luke totally deserve. I'm so happy for them both, and for all my other friends getting married this summer. You all guys rock, and I hope God blesses all of your marriages!

Liz, myself, Nicoleta(!!) and Alma, just before Bek arrived

Oh so much sweet, sweet food

Such a cute centerpiece!

The bride-to-be, in her prototype TP gown...

A preview of one month from now!

Seriously, congrats, you guys.

Happy News

This will be a short one, but a bright one. As the title suggests, I've got happy news! Last night I attended my first night of homechurch in Carlisle, and needless to say, I'll be going back. A welcoming atmosphere, good discussion, and there was even a bit of worship at the beginning and many people offering up prayers at the end. Somewhat different from previous experience, and thankfully so. I'm really quite happy that this fits into my schedule, too (although somewhat precariously, as it's right after class on Monday). So praise God for that! No more traveling into Burlington!

Also praise worthy: It seems that since Summit, 3 new decisions to follow Christ have been made on campuses across Canada. This is just what's been recorded, too, so who knows how correct that number is. It's awesome all the same! Thank you God for new brothers and sisters!

Sharing and surveying tomorrow! Keep praying! And have a great week!

Tough stuff.

Apologies to the avid blog readers for the length of time between posts. I'm doing much better at this than I thought I would, so, hah! (Warning you, this is going to be a long one.)

Normally I write down the bulk of my thoughts in a journal and then post the really interesting/thought provoking (hah!) stuff on here, but today I'm working without the filter. Between class and work and everything else, being 'real' has been hard and I'm feeling like I just haven't been honest with myself. This isn't a 'woe-is-me' post, it's just some tough stuff.. Because being reborn isn't all puppies and roses, right? And maybe we'll all gain some insight.

I saw some old friends today, friends I lived with in first year, actually, which was awesome. I was praying pretty hard for a familiar face today, so praise God for that. One of them, Ted, just got engaged, so congrats to him! I am happy for him... Really.

...what, that didn't sound convincing?

Okay. I am genuinely happy that he's happy and in love and planning to spend the rest of his life with a wonderful woman. But it's happening more and more now. Every time I hear about another engagement (this is the third in the last year), it feels like the rug is getting pulled out from beneath me. I literally get chills. I get scared.

Yeah. Scared.

It's completely foreign, and yet totally familiar and comprehensible. I used to panic thinking about death. Now I panic about life. Married life. Or maybe, a lack thereof...?

Okay, okay, so maybe I'm not so weird. I know there a lot of single people out there who also get that funny tummy clench when they hear yet another one of their friends is getting hitched, wondering when, if ever, they too will be waltzing down the aisle. My mind practically explodes every time I think about the ifs, whens, whats, and hows of relationships. We should be so lucky that that's all that explodes, given the need to issue biohazard suits after my last relationship meltdown...

I guess my real issue is this - and this is pure, down-to-earth, realness, folks - I've know where I've been, I know what I'm capable of (or incapable of, sigh), and... well, it's scary. We're capable of a lot of good things, but we're also capable of a lot of really, really hurtful things. You don't need blunt force to do a lot of damage. Heh, I don't need to rehash that. And so life moves on, right? I did find God, and I did come to understand more about relationships. Through sermons, through friends, through two amazing projects. Everything seemed pretty bright and shiny, coming home from Halifax, with fresh passion and fresh perspective. Maybe I was ready for this relationship thing.. you know, with boys. And that's when I realized it.

I'm terrified to be in a relationship again. Or, terrified that I'll never get there. I'm not a fun, fluffy type. As my DGL Wendy said this summer, "You're into really, really deep relationships. Shallow isn't good enough." (Well, it was something like that. I'm paraphrasing). And see, there's two problems here that are tied in with all this:

A) First (and importantly), it means God's not getting in on the ground floor on this one. Trusting God with money, no worries. Trusting God with school, no worries. Trusting God with my love life... well, logically, who better to trust, right? And thus we reveal problem number 1! I'm a control freak when it comes to relationships. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but it pains me so much to admit that I can't let something so important rest in the hands of the one who'd give it the utmost of care. I would love to have a healthy, happy relationship with someone I care deeply about. Which leads us to our second point...

B) Because I'm so defensive and uptight about potentially having another person hurt me again, or worse, hurting someone else myself, and because I've definitely struggled with godliness and purity in relationships before, I'm, well, defensive and uptight. Which not only makes for poor romantic relationships, it makes for poor ANY relationships. And therein lies a fault of mine, that I've admitted before. I'm intensely physical, and for as long as I can remember, relationships, especially the romantic kind, are validated through physicality. Not only that, I quickly realized how to manipulate my relationship (I'm being very specific now) in ways that resulted in that physicality. I was just validating myself. 'Boyfriend' became 'convenience'. Not much relating going on there.

And then things tangle slightly further. Part of giving up control to God means... well, giving up my agendas. My desires. Dying to myself. "Those that strive to touch a star oft stumble of a single straw."

Straw, thy name is Ess-ee-ex. (that's 'sex', for the phonetically challenged...)

Really, as complicated as this all sounds, it's pretty simple. I want what God wants, because I know that's best. But I also know that I've got a powerful sexual nature that can, if allowed, get absolutely out of hand. Sex isn't bad, kids. But it's best expressed when it's constructive (i.e., an expression of love, self-sacrificial act, not a method of control, etc) However, most situations where I find myself, well, in need, are not constructive situations, and so I'm constantly beating back on this supposedly healthy urge. Following me here? To be doing this constantly is, well, exhausting. Obviously. Or I wouldn't have written you an essay about it. Duh.
And I'm sure I'm not alone.

And that's kind of the point of writing all this, I suppose. Because I made a promise a long time ago (about a year now, to be exact) that I would start being more real, more the woman God intended me to be. And I realized that there were going to be potholes and roadblocks along the way. But rather than cover them up or pretend like they're not there, I'm sharing, because maybe this will encourage someone else. And hey, I feel encouraged just writing this down. It's a daily battle, for all of us. The enemies we fight may look different, but we all know the outcome, and we can take hope in that. I found incredible hope in a verse from Hebrews the other day, so I'll share it with you in parting:

"In bringing many sons to glory, it was
fitting that God, for whom and through
whom everything exists, should make
the author of their salvation perfect through
suffering. Both the one who makes men holy
and those who are made holy are of the same
family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers.
He says,
'I will declare you name to my brothers;
in the presence of the congregation I
will sing your praises'
And again,
'I will put my trust in him.'
And again he says,
'Here am I, and the children god has given me'
Since the children have flesh and blood, he too
shared in their humanity so that by his death he
might destroy him who holds the power of death -
that is, the devil - and free those who all their lives
were held in slavery by their fear of death.
For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants.
For this reason he had to be made like his brothers
in every way, in order that he might become a
merciful and faithful high priest in service to God,
and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.
Because he himself suffered when he was tempted,
he is able to help those are being tempted."
(Hebrews 2:10-18)

Update Time!

Hey friends, it's been a little while (but not as long as usual!)...

So, this has been quite the... week and a half. Two weeks. Something like that. Last week started out like any other week, but quickly launched into the realm of the extraordinary(ily difficult), as I started out on an 8 day work week that turned from some waitressing and some cooking to just cooking when my coworker sliced her finger on Tuesday, requiring several stitches... days later, all chaos broke loose when my boss lost her wedding and engagement rings and everyone straddled two jobs as we all searched high and low and tended the shop. I think worked outside the kitchen as much as inside that day... thank goodness, by Friday morning we had found both rings, and my boss was in a much better mood. Good thing, too, because we had an extraordinary number of customers in. The weekend carried on much the same way, until Sunday, when the girl I was supposed to train as a kitchen assistant forgot she was working as a KA and showed up 3 hours late, and then nearly fainted twice thanks to a previous bout of heat stroke. She was a trooper, but ended up heading home. It was a spot of craziness on an already crazy day, for sure. So yes, that was an exciting 8 days. Maybe not terribly interesting for you, but that's the way the cookie crumbles, my friend.

As for this week, well! I got a snazzy new cell phone , and started the school year yesterday. With a bang, I might add. I'll be catching the 6:45 AM bus twice a week to get to early classes at York this term, and yesterday was the first go-round with that. Not as bad as I thought it would be, but we'll see what I'm saying come November! My electives this year are ace. Renaissance and Baroque Art and Architecture and Weather and Climate. Yup, I'm a nerd, I'm in love with both. I've got to wait till Monday to get a taste of my design courses, but all except one are ones I've started in before, so I don't really expect anything too shocking.

The REAL fun from yesterday was meeting up with people from C4C and helping out with our O-Week booth. We met so many students who are hungry to know more about God, and who want to get involved or learn more. I even met a girl who seemed stoked about a mission trip to Scotland! (But who wouldn't be, really? ;) It was definitely interesting to be in on the 'ground floor' on the campus.. I've stayed pretty aloof for four years (there's that sticky pride issue again!), and I'm only just now seeing a bigger part of campus life. Kind of exciting. Kind of scary. I'm totally stoked. This is going to be the best year yet.

Seriously.

Cleaning can be fun.

Well, it can.

Oh, come on.

Okay, in seriousness, this is why I take forever to clean my room out/up. I'm merrily putting clothes away, minding my own business, when I stumble across a little piece of myself that I'd forgotten about. A picture, a piece of writing, some memory of something that was at one point really, really important.

As I was sorting through my 'portfolio' (the stack of design work accumulated from the last 3 years that usually resides in my closet and which has now been demoted to 'under the bed'), I came across a typography project from 2nd year. The design isn't half bad (Bodoni?! What was I thinking?), but the text really got me.

DERAILED

A wall of humid air hits me as I run from the cool, dark interior of the house. Slamming the front door behind me, I ignore the stares of the children playing nearby and head furiously away from home. Blind, I steer myself down the shoulder of a busy road, away from town and them. Cars rush by me, some swerving dangerously close, but I do not move away. Without checking for oncoming traffic, I take a sharp left onto a country road. A few steps inward and the sound of the traffic gives away to muffled stillness. The silence presses in around me as frantic thoughts roll uneasily around in my head.
Through forest and field I follow this road, until another intersects it. A lawnmower drones in the distance and a slight, urgent breeze rustles the leaves of nearby trees. Shadows drift across the cracked pavement as the sun slips in and out of sight behind gathering clouds.
I breathe deeply. My heart is pounding painfully, and I am unsure of where to turn.
Peering down the westward road, I can make out rust-brown rails dissecting the pastoral landscape and cutting a gouge northward. Where it is met by the road, a dormant signal stands, its deadened black eyes glaring through the shimmering heat. Mesmerized, I turn, and trudge down the lonely road towards it while stray whispers of thought chase circles around my head. On either side of the road, oak trees form a sweeping green corridor. Passing beneath it, I look up through the gnarled branches to see the sky start to darken. Dead leaves scrape dryly across the pavement, and a cloud of dust kicks up among the broken corn skeletons in a nearby field.
As I leave the trees, the whispers inside my head grow to an angry buzz, as a clap of thunder tears across the sky and the trees pitch and heave in a sudden gust of wind. Pale ghosts of the past winter swirl around me as I draw nearer and nearer, the dull gaze of the crossing signal boring through me. Above the wind, the sound of an ominous bellow swells to a crescendo. In an instant, the languid eyes of the signal explode to life, filling the air with light and sound. Fate, the voices inside my head taunt, has brought me here.
The growl of the approaching train builds and builds until even the storm is overcome and the buzzing in my ears becomes a painful throb. Gasping, I reach out with a white-knuckled hand for a nearby fencepost, dragging myself closer to the rails. Their surfaces glint like knife-edges, offering me a solution to the problems that drove me here in the first place. Closing my eyes, I feel the ground vibrate with pure energy as the train bursts out of the trees and roars past. Boxcars fly by me, on e blur after another, clanking and groaning only a foot from my grasp. My hair whips across my face, stinging my eyes, which are full of salty tears that collect and fall, shattering noiselessly on the gravel.
Car after car streaks by me, pounding my ears with deafening sound, and I scream. I scream at their recklessness, and I scream at the futility that I feel wrapping cold fingers around me. I scream until the world spins and the earth tilts and the sky swirls into oblivion. One, long, overwrought howl that is drowned out by the relentless growly of the beast before me.
And the the train is gone, and my screams fall away into ringing silence. Shivering in the rain, chest heaving, I sway. The gravel rends my knees as the slam into the ground.
In the distance, the long, low, pitiless wail of the train cries out against the storm.

I remember the day that this talks about, and I remember what it was like to feel so utterly helpless. It was roughly just after I had found out that I'd failed first year, and things were looking utterly bleak. What's interesting to me, I suppose, is that this was written almost 8 months after the fact, at the start of what seemed to me like a very hope-giving relationship. My life is full of strange splits in reality. Leaving singlehood to enter coupledom, feeling hopeless and then feeling redemption. When I wrote this, I wrote not as someone who had moved on and was living a separate reality from that hopelessness, but as someone who was still rooted in it. Written early on in the second term of second year, it was a very quick downward spiral that nearly led me to failure once again.

Since finding God and choosing to follow Christ, my life has been systematically realigned. As one thing turns, so must others, until entire areas of my life are suddenly filled with new light and hope. The prospect of relationships, singleness, and marriage are a very obvious example, and many people know I'm very outspoken now about how good God is in his design for our relational lives. So much has changed internally that reading this made me very aware of another split in reality. I lived that experience, and yet it seems so foreign to me now. I feel like I'm observing myself from a distance. I've only had one similar experience since becoming a believer, where I could feel futility 'wrapping cold fingers around me', but even then, it was a different encounter, because I became very aware of the Holy Spirit, leading and counseling me.

I was doing something I knew I shouldn't. I had striven so hard to avoid this situation, and yet here I was, finding myself in the same position, submitted to my own desires, like a slave. I knew it, and yet I continued. And as I continued, grief mingling with the promise of release, I was aware of something. Someone, I suppose, egging me on, telling me to continue, coaxing and pleading, nudging me forward. At the same time, a quiet, steady voice broke through, telling me I could still turn back, that this didn't have to be my life, my reality. To me, it seemed too late. The first voice grew stronger and more insistent and as release welled up and spilled over, my joy and relief gave way to horror as the voice cried out in victory and began feeding from my sin as a wild animal tears into a fresh kill. I'd failed again, and the enemy was delighted. Exhausted and shamed, the quiet voice found an audience in me. It told me that this wasn't permanent, and that if I trusted, I knew I could be forgiven, and that I could move on. I was still loved. Wiping my tears, stood up and walked away. I'm still walking.

Thinking about it now, it's amazing, the stillness and calmness that the second voice brought, and how simple it was to slip out of that first reality into the second, of a life spend following Jesus. No fog of confusion, no widening pit of emptiness inside. Just a simple choice to walk away and focus on Jesus. We're not guaranteed a perfect life, but we are guaranteed grace. I'm still amazed that people find my story, well, amazing. It's seemed like such a natural process, albeit a very hard one at times. I'm just thankful now that I have the option to choose, rather than feel helpless.

Something else to be thankful for, I guess.

Ranty McRant

I'm taking a short break from cleaning out my room. Like, literally, gutting every possible orifice. You know what I'm learning?

I keep EVERYTHING. Blaaaaarg.

Witness Erin: Cleaning machine. Whirr-Hummmm.

Seriously though! I've found all kinds of things from first year, which was uh, 4 years ago, and even before then. I keep the strangest things. Sticks from hikes. Old notes from classes I've long forgotten the lessons of (in hopes that I'd study them sometime in the future?? No THANK YOU, Friend!!). Living virtually out of a suitcase in Halifax taught me the value of simplicity. So I'm making an effort to cut my room in half. I've got a box full of stuff for eBay, I've already carted 3 bags of paper to the blue box. Another stack to be burned. My desk drawers have never looked so clean or purposeful. It's taken me 3 hours just to do my computer desk. Just looking at my drafting desk makes me sad. Mostly because it has mutated from desk to a junk collector.

I need a more functional room. Pray - seriously - that I manage to severely minimize this space. This room is too full of memories to be full of crap too.

Turning from "Self " to "Selfless"

Hey friends. :)

I'm not entirely sure where to begin this post. With joy, I'd like to tell you that I'm making it my plan to update this blog at least on a weekly basis, probably every Sunday. This summer I learned a lot about the value of taking time to reflect and meditate on what I've been learning, and Sunday seems like the most logical day. So here is the first of the Sunday posts!

First, to give you a brief update:
On Wednesday, August 1st, I arrived at Pearson International Airport at 5:48PM, 10 minutes ahead of schedule. It was a relief to be finished traveling. Saying goodbye most of Monday and Tuesday was very hard, and I felt a strong desire to move on and away from those thoughts and feelings and into the next step. Within hours, I was home with family, and then off to a staff party for my workplace in Waterdown. It was a beautiful night and a great time connecting with my coworkers at home and just genuinely enjoying time with them.

Thankfully, God has provide for me abundantly this month! I am now working 19 out of 31 days. This is a great big answer to prayer, as I did not get nearly as many hours this summer as I would have liked (though I probably worked about as many as I could physically or emotionally handle). My time is also being quickly filled up with things related to York C4C, friends, family, and just taking some time to chill. Which leads me into what I wanted to really say...

The month of August for most people is pretty insignificant, as far as calendar months go. We get a couple of holidays, really hot weather, and hayfever and back to school prep to boot. August to me is slightly more significant. This month marks the one year anniversary of the beginning of my journey for Truth and God. Aug. 15th marks the specific date that my seemingly ideal world came crashing down about my ears, and I was forced to look at the reality of my life and my situation. Roughly a month later, I made the full commitment to follow Christ, and 5 months following that, I declared publicly through my baptism that there really was no turning back for me. I had made up my mind. A month following, I left for Edinburgh, Scotland. Facing the reality that mankind is indeed stubborn and has desperately fallen out of sorts with God, I stepped out into the battlefield. I learned a lot from my teammates and the people we spoke to, and came home with the conviction that God was calling me to continue to study and grow at home. Three months later, I boarded a bus with Olga to Halifax, and for three months I spent my time getting to know God more intimately, growing exponentially, and encouraging others around me. Here I sit, a year later, hardly believing the words that I type. I lived all this, the sorrow, the joy, the adventure, everything. So what have I taken away from it all? What great lessons have I learned, and what will my life look like in the future?

God really does have the best plan, and he really is faithful to those who love Him and whom He loves. Hey, that sounds pretty good.

But what does it mean in my life (and hopefully, yours)?

As I look back, and now look forward to what's ahead, I can see one clear trend, which I alluded to in the title of this post. It's something that, while my growth may have been exceptionally speedy, has taken a long to unfurl. It's the steady, subtle change from being selfish to selfless. Now, I'm not saying that I've done the complete 180, or that the spiritual/emotional place that I'm at now is the endpoint of my journey. We continue to work out our salvation with fear and trembling, and we are cautioned numerous times to press on towards the goal (Jesus Christ).

I am thankful for my time with my coworkers, the Meeting House, C4C, my friends, and anyone else who really opened themselves up to God and helped me get back on my feet. Your actions and words were amazing models of God's love. You were patient in the early days when I wallowed continually, and spent a great deal of time in self-learning and spiritual re-adjustment. That work isn't finished. But now, coming out of that a year later, I can see the future much more clearly. As much time was spent carefully fitting the pieces back into place according to God's will, now it's time to turn from self to others. Paul didn't just see God and and go "Hey, look, there is an almighty God out there who loves us. Neat." and trip along his merry way. Nor did he simply realize how wrong he had been and seek to turn from those things that stood between him and God, and that was the end of it. He made it his life long mission, his one and only purpose, to know Christ, to know the Good News and live within its truth - that we have been given the amazing chance to be totally free of sin, to have our lives changed, wiped clean, and set aright. And not only that, he ministered to others! He spent the rest of his life in close relationship with the people in the world around him, encouraging them, rebuking them in love, teaching them and praying for them. He turned from self, to selfless.

I want to live like that.

I just didn't realize how much until I came home.

Like I said, the Meeting House has been instrumental in my walk with God. Their unrelentless pursuit of the real Jesus, their boldness in tackling issues such as sex, violence, poverty, and so much more, has been inspiring. I've learned and grown a lot within those walls. But now, I think it may be time to turn knowledge into action, place my involvement at the Meeting House (and not my learning) on the back burner, and really look closely at the community I'm in, right here in Hamilton/Waterdown. I'm not sure what this looks like yet. It might mean attending the Meeting House location closer to home, or attending a different, more local church. It could (and this sounds appealing to me) mean starting a Waterdown homechurch. It could mean many things. But I do know that it looks like serving others in spite of the way the world views them, and in spite of myself.

Sorry this was so long, but as we've all noticed, it's been a month since I last wrote and there's been a lot going on in my world these days. Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue to spend this month working out the plan for this year. I'll try and make it a little... lighter... next time! ;)

How much can you pack into eight months?

Apparently, quite a bit. I'll do justice to everything that's happened since last September in a few days, but for now I want to say hey to everyone and give you a little info.

So in about 6 days, (5 if you factor in the night I'm staying in Toronto), I will be departing for beautiful Halifax, Nova Scotia for the summer, for yet another amazing adventure! So much has happened since I found I was going a few months ago, and God's been so faithful and so good. I can't say much else right now without spoiling upcoming updates - I want to keep some sort of order! So I'll just say that I hope to keep this updated at least on a bi-weekly basis while I'm down east, with news and prayer requests. I'm only $209 away from my support goal of $2150! That's amazing! Not only is God a provider in the monetary sense, He's also lead me into some new relationships that have really been an all-round encouragement. I can't say thank you enough to everyone who is supporting me with prayer and funds for this journey - your blessing means so much to me. Please stay tuned, and DO NOT HESITATE to email me with updates about your lives!

I'll post something more coherent after my exam is finished on Saturday. So long for now!

Oh, and I did give the blog a new look. A lighthouse is just a big lamp post, right? I thought it fit the the nautical theme for this summer!

And So It Begins

Actually, it all began long before I even existed. :)

I want to welcome you warmly to the Lamp Post, my shining light at a small crossroads of the internet.

To those of who you don't know me, I'm a 3rd year university student who started her walk with God a little over two months ago. In the short span of time that has followed, I've been challenged, changed, and charged with passion in ways I never could have dreamed. Giving my life over to Jesus is the greatest and also most humbling experience in all of my life.

The moment my heart opened and my walk began, I knew that this was going to be an adventure that would have a lasting impact on my life. To go from being a cynical pantheist, raised in a secular/atheist home, to being a humbled sister in Christ on fire for God, took more than a little exploration and examination of myself and the world around me. It hasn't been an easy journey, but that's what's made it exciting.

I hope that this blog allows me to shine some of my light into the dark corners of the internet. I hope to share my experiences, past and present, in an honest and engaging manner with those who are seeking to seek, those who are seeking God, or those who have already found God. Walk alongside me as I am stretched by God and grow in my faith. Like a child, keep your eyes open and never stop asking questions. Make mistakes. Get messy. And know that God is there always to pick you up, dust you off, and urge you gently onward.

Thank you so much for stopping by! Visit often, say hello, and make yourself at home. Peace! :)