Saturday, June 30, 2007

[Begun Saturday, June 30th]

My mind is a bit all over the place these days, so forgive me if this entry is a bit hard to follow. Even though I'm not sure who's been reading this blog, it gives me encouragement to know that there are people a world away reading this and being encouraged or moved to pray. I appreciate you all a lot, and I only wish I could be more direct in my communication with you!

Life in Halifax is becoming stressful. Teammates especially are noticing that I'm running on empty these days, and it's starting to get to me. I've been ranting a lot about how much there is to do and how little time there is to do it, and generally being frustrated. There are pinholes of light throughout my week, where I remember that God's got all this in His hand and I really just have to 'show up' with a useable attitude, but as life becomes busier and busier, I find myself becoming, well, cranky.

And it hurts. It hurts the people I'm short with when I haven't had enough sleep, it hurts people who are just trying to show kindness or ask a simple question and I'm impatient with them. And it hurts me, because I don't want to hurt others. In my frustration though, I tend to lash out. Given the option fight or flight, I'm usually all fight. Looking at these words in front of me, however, I don't feel anger. I feel shame and disappointment. It's like staring the same old sin, eyes narrowed and grinning maliciously, right in the face and realizing just how ugly it is. The truth is, Satan is loving that I'm frustrated, loving that I'm starting to resent how busy things are getting, loving that I'm yearning for home more and more by the day! It makes me shudder to have an upclose look at myself like this, to see this area where I struggle, in fact where many struggle. I've had to stare down some awful truths about myself lately. Admittedly, I've grown a lot, but this project, if nothing else, has shown me just how much more room for growth there is, how much of my heart I've really made available to God, and how willing I am to live for His name.

Thinking about it now, I'm amazed at how much I'll be taking away from Halifax when I leave. How much I've learned about leadership, how important it is to delve into God's word for wisdom and spiritual food, how much I've learned about loving people, solving conflict, respecting others and myself... the list could go on. To fill you in, I just took a break from writing this entry to talk with some people back home - mom, my brother, and some good friends and C4Cers - and it's really been blessing to reconnect with people back home. Interesting thing though. As I talked with them and heard about all that's going on back home, I realize this: Stress and problems don't follow you around. They're everywhere. I've fallen into the pattern of thinking that says 'back home' means no stress, no busyness, no conflict or no pain and suffering (or seeing it in others). Really, though, there is no escape from those things. I don't mean to sound pessimistic, I just mean to say that those troubles are found everywhere - we're all human, and as long as we continue to follow our own ways, there are going to be problems. It just makes me that much more thankful that God is King! He rules whether I'm here in Halifax or back home, and I can find solace in him wherever I'm at.

Haha, I hope this is making sense. Anyways, enough about what's been going on in my head. I really wanted to share some of the highlights of this week!

God really orchestrated something cool this week: Katherine, a fellow projectile, met some students from a maritime collage in Maine who had stopped in Halifax on their way back from a trip around the Mediterranean. Once they got talking, one of them, a Christian, was really encouraged by our project and together they made plans to invite some of the students to the dorm for dinner and fun... so Tuesday night about 8 students made it over and we hosted them for an evening. What an encouraging night! Some of them were Chrisitans and were really interested in how we were witnessing to students around us, while others had never heard the gospel and were given a chance to. Plus, they were able to see what a tight-knit bunch we were, and how much we cared for one another here. It was really an amazing night, and I made some new friends too!

Today as well was packed. I didn't realize until I sat down and mentally went over everything we did, that we actually accomplished a lot. This morning was a series of seminars on how to share the gospel with different groups of people - randoms on the street, needy folks, people who resent the church, etc. Afterwards, Myriam and I were able to sit down and encourage Julia, a student at DAL who is trying to reach out to her parents. She doesn't believe they're saved, but because of past judgments from other Christians, she has trouble opening up discussion about it. It's a sensitive issue to be sure, and I wasn't sure what advice to offer, but God provided some on the spot wisdom, I will be praying for Julia and her family. The afternoon was filled with a barbecue, where I talked with a young couple who were looking for some people their own age to hang out with, and so Olga and I gave them our contact info and hopefully they'll be in touch soon. It's so nice to meet people in the community and just show them that we're not just people who meet on sunday mornings and keep to ourselves the rest of the week - it's really encouraged me to share my faith not so much intentionally as... naturally. To show my faith through my actions and words, and not just by going out of my way to approach people to share the gospel.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

What to say? So much happened in four days that I'm still reeling, trying to gather thoughts up. If ever there was a time I was running on God's strength and not my own, now would be it.

I think my first hint that these past few days were going to be intense was my meeting with my new discipler, Becky on Saturday morning. When she asked me how project was going, how I was feeling, and if there was anything I needed to discuss, I thought for a moment, and then very honestly responded, "No, actually, I think everything is fine..."

Now, before I continue, don't panic - everything is, for the most part, fine. I'm alive, very well, and the overall status here in Halifax is PTL - Praise The Lord! What I wasn't taking into consideration on Saturday morning was the fact that DRIME - Disciples Ready In Mobile Evangelism was meeting for the first time later that afternoon and choosing a leadership team for the remainder of the project. Nor did I take into consideration that I would be chosen as one of the leaders, or that in itself would create a conflict. Now, as said conflict is still being resolved in the most Christlike way possible, I'll refrain from going much farther on the subject, but suffice to say, with the leadership, appointed somewhat haphazardly as it were, in somewhat of a chaotic state as of Saturday evening, attempts to run further DRIME practices throughout the weekend were also somewhat... chaotic.

Some people might have come out of this weekend and found it to be a total waste, and if anyone from DRIME especially found this to be the case, then I'm truly sorry. However, I think God knew exactly what he was doing with all those assembled, and despite (or maybe because of) the conflicts that arose, he was able our own stubborn ideas and turn them on their heads. What I'm trying to say, in a few words, is that God really took a strange situation and has really opened the floor to some personal revelations and has really shown several of us projectiles what it means to be a servant leader, as well as how to trust his leadership above all else. So, yesterday evening, while I was feeling fairly peaceful about the situation, I was also feeling fairly exhausted and had totally planned to sit out FTWAP (Free Time With A Purpose, or "Footwap") in favour of what I felt was a well earned nap. However, when Nicole asked me if I'd like to meet up with her and Aram, a TESOL student from South Korea who was eager to learn about God, I couldn't really say 'No' - Just hours before I had been talking about my desire to spend more time evangelising and how I felt a lack of it in my life. So shortly after dinner ended, I found myself sipping tea in Nicole's apartment as the three of us, including Aram, went through the 'Knowing God Personally Booklet'.

Now, I don't think I have ever met anyone so eager as perhaps I was to hear and learn more about God than Aram was last night. From seeing Nicole's bible to finding out that she could to God - in Korean no less! - she was enthralled. The booklet itself proved to be a page-turner, as Aram excitedly went through it. If ever there was someone prepared by the Holy Spirit, she was it, and praise God, with so much thankfulness and joy Aram prayed to receive Christ last night! We have a new sister!! Nicole and I were nearly in tears over how joyful Aram was. I quickly slipped out to grab the key to the storage for all of our real life kits, which include a copy of the new testament, when I saw Steve and told him the news and where I was headed. Holding up a finger, he went into his room and returned with a brand new bible, still in its wrapping. Apparently there was an extra left over from something... anyways, imagine my joy to present Aram with her very own copy of the whole bible. It was truly an amazing night, and I won't forget it soon. Please pray for Aram and her walk as a new believer in Christ! I will keep you all posted on her progress as Nicole and I follow her up!

Blessings!

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Much to say

Hey everyone! It's been a while since I've been able to sit down and share with you about life here in Halifax, but I assure you I'm alive and getting better by the day.

Since I last wrote, we've done outreaches and gone camping, seen the staff leave, and I got a sinus infection that was healed quite miraculously overnight. God's been amazing, that's for sure. Life in Halifax grows more challenging by the day - not because things are getting any more difficult necessarily, but because things are getting comfortable. Now that we're not all out of our element and getting to know each other and the city, it's easier to slack off a little, to leave those dishes till later, or it's less important to go explore the city and meet new people. It's never good to get into ruts. The staff left us on tuesday - we had a final barbeque to send them off right, and I think that's done well to jolt us all a little into realizing how much initiative we need to take in our daily lives here. We've all been assigned to a different ministry, partly based on our requests, and partly based upon what the staff have been observing. I was placed on the memory book team, which is in charge of making everyone a small token of some kind (typically in the form of a book) to take home with them and remember project by. To be honest, even though I put it near the top of my choices for ministry, I was a little disappointed that I didn't get assigned somewhere else. I spend all year in design, and for someone who plans on entering into that career field, I'm actually not that excited about being identified as a designer. Strange, but true. So it was at first a frustration, and even more so when I found out how small our budget was, and, well... I'll be honest. I got upset. Not angry upset, but teary upset. I'm not sure why, but I think in part it was because I was realizing I was being prideful, and being selfish, just as much as I was wanting to bring forth a really cool memory item. It's a breaking moment when you realize you're being petty or foolish in the eyes of God over something so small.

And that's in part what I'm learning about on project - there are lots of little (and sometimes big) areas in my life that I'm really proud in. And not the good kind of pride. I mean, there's the "I know I worked hard and did a good job at this, and I'm pleased with myself", but there's also "No one can do this but me, NO ONE. Not even God", or "I'm great because ____". Or there's just placing oneself on a pedestal. I'm guilty of that one, that's for sure. I've really been convicted over the past few weeks that I really, really can't do anything without God's strength and wisdom guiding me. I mean, you can limp along all right without him - I did for nearly 21 years - but it's exhausting and unfulfilling, to say the very least. And being here on project, being brought here by God himself, and then being so busy with project itself to take time for God, I've noticed something. As exhausting as life before a relationship with God was, when you walk with the Spirit and yet don't take time for God, or more specifically allow him to lead you on his strength into something as engaging and demanding as project, and then basically refuse to drink deeply of him, it's even more exhausting. God really does give us all strength to do things we couldn't even dream of doing.

I've been thinking a lot about why I'm here. Not just why I'm on Halifax project, but why I'm even here on earth at all. Why and how I ended up in Halifax can be traced all the way back to last summer when I thought my life was about to end. If my boyfriend at the time hadn't decided to choose God over me, I might not be here today. That sounds funny, doesn't it? But it's true. Christ saved my life, and I felt so immediately thankful that I knew I had to tell others. And here I am today. I couldn't have even imagined last summer that I would be sitting in this apartment in Rice Residence, in Halifax, Nova Scotia, talking to you today about God's greatness and his providence, and above all else, his love. Had you asked me last June what I thought I would be doing, I probably would have said, "Moving in with my boyfriend and finishing my degree." It sounds typical, to most people, but had that come true, I would likely be a slave to sin still.

If this seems at all too much, don't worry - I'm trying to keep up myself. I've had a lot of chances to really sit down and converse with God over the last week - especially on the retreat at Kejimkujik (kah-jih-mh-koo-jik) National Park last weekend. For one glorious hour, sprawled on a blanket in the sun, in the middle of the Nova Scotian wilderness, I had solid talk with God over areas of my life that have not been left open to him. It's been hard since to hand over control, and realizing even more that I daily have to put my life, my job, my studies, everything into the hands of God has been very stretching. While project can be very exhausting at time, letting God be the pilot and being excited for real about what he's going to do, not what I'm going to do, has been a great joy.

Before I bring this to a close, I just want to make a few prayer requests. In relation to project, if you could pray right now (even as you read this!) that the remaining 10 or so people here who are seeking jobs would find them, that would be appreciated. Also pray for my safety at work, as I've burned and cut myself at least once so far in the past week, and pray for spiritual conversations...not just mentioning God in passing, but really expressing the love of the Lord for us and doing so in a meaningful way with my coworkers. Please pray specifically for one of my guy coworkers I will simply call J. He's had a rough life and has really turned over a new leaf. My heart goes out to him for all he's been through, and I see great potential in him. Pray for his salvation, and for God to just heal his heart and mind. Team unity would be a great thing to pray for as well. We're starting to really see the purpose in taking quiet time and making our time together meaningful and not 'surface', and I'm praying that we keep growing strong as a group, and that we do take time to reconnect with God on a daily basis.

Thank you all so much for your words of support and encouragement. I never noticed until someone pointed it out to me, but the word en-courage literally means 'to give courage'. When you encourage someone, it's giving them strength - firming up that core inside of them that drives them forward. I've definitely felt encouraged this past week.

That's all for now, folks. God bless, and have a great weekend!