Saturday, April 26, 2008

She Came In Through The Bathroom Window


Off to Ottawa this morning. See you Sunday night with pictures!

Sunbath

I'd nibble those paws, if I didn't know where they'd been.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Superbad Habits

So I'm pretty sure I forgot to mention it officially, but I found a new homechurch! I liked my old homechurch too, its only fault being that it is held on Monday nights, the same night as my winter and summer classes.

I like this new homechurch for the same reasons I like my old one - good atmosphere, friendly people, good discussion, and they have cats. Priorities, people. It also has the added bonus of being hosted by someone I actually already knew from church, so I felt at home almost instantly.

This week's discussion revolved around last Sunday's sermon, the first in a short series called Superbad (and NOT to be confused with the movie of the same title!), which brought to light some issues and attitudes surrounding sin, and how sin is dealt with. Of course the base understanding is that our sin is atoned for by Christ, but how do move on from there? If we are in the habit of committing the same sin, or beating ourselves up in the hopes at that we'll do better next time, are we being transformed? I know personally I struggle as a 'repeat offender' - I can't seem to break the cycle of certain bad habits, and just as Joel shared in the sermon, I too have had several people tell me not to fret - those wrongs are righted by Christ! That's very, very well and good, but it does little to help me as I struggle with what almost seems to be a dual nature. Read Romans 7:15-24 for a better idea of what I'm talking about here.

Andy, our homechurch leader, had us read Phillipians 3:4-6 to contrast the previous verses.
4though I myself have reasons for such confidence.
If anyone else thinks he has reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: 5circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; 6as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for legalistic righteousness, faultless.
I'm still chewing on these two, but I believe Andy's point was the arrogance that legalism can tend to breed - "I did this, this, this, and this, so I'm that." - versus the humility of grace. Take a look at verse 24, and realize that this is the same man who wrote the above:
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Paul is one of those guys, possibly even the guy of the bible whom I love to hate and hate to love, I've grown into his teachings and writing over the last while, though I still find myself at odds with some of the things he says. However, dude lived an amazing life and these two passages go to show the struggle that Paul, like this rest of us, endured all of his believing life. Externally, I may look like I have things pretty together, and I've fooled myself on numerous occasions into thinking that I really do have it all together. But then, as one of the other women put it last night, I get out of bed. I ought to get up every day thanking God and asking what I can do to serve today, but most days I fall into the same routine of doing pretty much exactly the opposite. Habit. It can be killer.

That isn't to say all habits are bad, of course. This blog is becoming one of my better habits. Keeping my room clean (which it has been, for the most part, for at least the last two weeks) is another. That may sound incredibly juvenile, but think about what your room says about your self-esteem, your work habits, etc. And learning a routine has been healthy, too.

Anyways, someone else also raised the point that if we happen to fall through on a promise we make or a habit we've tried to break, we're often very hard on ourselves. If a friend or a child or family member were to make the same mistake, we'd likely respond in a compassionate way. Help them back on the horse, so to speak. We often don't show the same healthy compassion towards ourselves. Have you ever found this? I'd never really thought of it until this person brought it up, but I'm pretty sure I'd never treat anyone around me to the kind of things I've said to myself over the past few months. Are there time-outs for verbally abusing yourself?

As the night wound down, there was one more thing that was said that made a very relieving click in my head. In OT times, of course, whenever the Israelites broke a law, they were required to make a sacrifice. What hadn't occurred to me was the sacrifice had to be presented at the temple - the dwelling place of God. Doing wrong literally brought the Jews to God's doorstep. Living under grace as we are, we aren't required to make sacrifices in the same way, as the price has already been paid. But, as I suggested above, how often to we find ourselves at God's feet when we've done something wrong? I can honestly say, my habit is to give myself a good duffing before I even consider praying it over. I'm actually quite amazed to realize it, because that's not grace at all!

Does anyone else find this? Or is it the opposite for you? I know I've also swung the other direction, where I simply shrug off whatever it is I've done, too disappointed in myself to deal with it. Sometimes, I'm not even disappointed. It's going to be an interesting few weeks.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

This Day Is Just Full of Win

When I received my $46.02 cell phone bill for my $25-a-month plan the other day for the nth time since signing my contract with Canada's own Beaver-Friendly phone company, I consoled myself - patted myself on the back, even - with the knowledge that while I'm stuck with the darn plan for the next 2.5 years, at least I take darn good care of my phone! I entertained such foolish notions until in a fit of characteristic absentmindedness I threw my shoulder bag into the wash last night, having made a super-human effort to remove all keys, pens, wrappers, and certain assorted - ahem - feminine care products from every one of its dark corners, but assuring myself that my phone was in my other purse. Of course, we all know that the phone not only rode the Wild Washing-Machine Express, it took a stray tampon as its traveling companion too! Neither party survived, naturally. I'm hoping that the restorative April sunshine will save my forgetful butt.

At least I own the cleanest, most-expensive, non-functioning $25-a-month phone ever.

And I Have No Idea Why There Was Suddenly A Train In The Front Yard, Either

Okay. I confess. I stayed up until 3 AM last night reading stories about the challenges of being a pregnant woman in this day and age, because even though I doubt I'll ever marry and have kids of my own, I'm still fascinated by babies(!) Even though I have way more important things to do, like you know, SLEEP.

So of course, when I finally did go to bed, I dreamed that I was not only pregnant, but pregnant with the world's biggest baby and could barely move under the weight of my massive abdomen. And then my water broke in my nana's kitchen - and boy did it ever break - and then my alarm went off at 9 AM.

Unfortunately, I hadn't had the 11 hours of sleep I had the previous night, else I would have laid in a half-conscious state and mentally childed myself for being stupid. I fell groggily back into bed until my boss called at 10 AM asking if I could work a few hours on what's looking to become a very heinous Saturday (I can't, unfortunately - Ottawa). I mustered all the faculties of speech I could to tell her so, and then collapsed back into bed.

And dreamed that I my nana's house now not only located somewhere in the hilly escarpment countryside, it going to be the temporary location for my workplace, complete with mismatched end tables draped in table cloths. As I stood in the kitchen wondering the obvious - what are the customers going to think when they realize the furniture doesn't all match - my boss (mother of the boss who called on the phone) wandered downstairs in a pink fluffy housecoat looking
miserable. She's not feeling well, but hey, now that we've got this great new location she can lie down on the overstuffed couch in the basement and not worry because oh I know you and the others will do such a great job you're such a great team, you dream team, you. And so she disappears downstairs and customers start arriving and asking for menus which I can't find because this a house and not a restaurant and where is the cook and hey come back here I need to finish explaining duties and shoot that woman sitting at the kitchen table is giving me the skunk eye. And then all my staff went off to play in the fields with the shirtless boys working outside next door and I was left trying to convince one of the customers to have a Gloucester instead of a Somerset, while wondering who in their right mind ever thought this was a good idea.

Who's going to stay up till 3 AM tonight? NOT ME!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Surreality

I woke up in the most confused of states this morning. One of the joys of possessing both an active imagination and a highly visual mental atmosphere seems to be a very vivid, realistic dream life. This morning's sleep-induced fantasy was exceptionally bizarre and contained enough reality that I lay in bed for a full 20 minutes sorting out whether I had a place to live in the fall and whether or not I needed to get on the phone and argue mum and dad into staying in Waterdown.

Dreams described in words are rarely ever as lucid, but essentially what happened seemed to stem from an offhand comment my dad made about he and mum leaving for Saudi Arabia to live eventually (though nowhere in the near future, thankfully). In the dream, my parents had not only decided they were moving to Ottawa - they had bought a house there, and traded our house here for a smaller one up the street. My brothers and I would continue to live in Waterdown while they left for an early retirement. This alone caused much mental chaos, as both of my brothers nowhere near secure in their future plans and aren't even working, while I'm struggling to pay for my last year of school... where will the money for groceries come from? How can I keep house and be a fuller than full-time student? Add to that the weirdness of buying the house from my childhood friend, and having to coordinate as we move their stuff into our old house and our stuff into theirs while mum and dad pack their bags and leave without so much as a kiss on the cheek and a wave...

It was all terribly confusing, but thank goodness it was a dream. It's not a good indication of my mental state though, is it?

And it makes me all the more nervous to visit Ottawa this weekend. Mustn't let my parents get any crazy ideas...

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

This past week

It's sad in a way that I kept track of my last week in order to inform you all of the happenings in my life, but at least I can accurately say where the time went when asked.

It's been a busy week!

I worked a few days here and there, which actually wore me out enough that for a few glorious days I was actually tired and in bed at around 11 PM, rather than the usual 1 or 2 AM... which allowed me lots of wakeful time during the day on Friday to take a walk. A 3 hour walk! I can't tell you how excited I am that spring is here in Waterdown! Here are some signs to prove it!

Look, you can see the driveway again!

I wasn't the only one soaking up the sun, either

This mallard male was watching out for his lady-friend on the shore of Grindstone Creek.

Mum and I agree, we're planting crocuses next year! They look so nice!


I took about 130 photos, mostly to continue fooling around with the light settings on the camera. I'm still learning, as you can see. Many of these had to be heavily tweaked.

Saturday was a busy day, as I attended Meg's bridal shower, the C4C summer project going-away party, and my nana's birthday party. The whole day had me travel from Hamilton to downtown TO to north TO to Burlington and back home again, and once again the van proves she's still got an ounce of life in her! Unfortunately, I only have pictures of the shower, but they're pretty swell:

That's Meg on the left, with Cheryl and Chenene, two gals from York on her right. I love the colours!
"Boxers, or Briefs??" Meg thinking hard during the 'How-Well-Do-You-Know-Your-Future-Spouse-And-How-Can-We-Exploit-You" game!
Cheryl, our 'bride' during the toilet-paper brides game. I still think we should play this more often...
Loghan, the littlest bride!
Meg's present-opening chapeau...

It was great to see so many people together all in one day, though the birthday party of course turned into an argument about money and careers. Oh so fun.

I've been finding it harder and harder to stay focused again. Of course, it's easy to while away hours on the computer, but it's also a crime to do so because of the weather. I tried to sit down and read on my walk, but the bugs and the sights and the sounds were just too distracting. I'm going to have to figure out some kind of action plan. Tomorrow's plan includes getting up early and heading out for a walk/hike, and then working away the 'hot' hours of the afternoon on school-related things. I'll be crafting a Scotland update within the next 24 hours as well, which I'll post here. Lots to look forward to...

In the meantime, I'll leave you all with this final picture. My coworker Angela (the one holding the money and wearing the ridiculous(ly awesome) floral muumuu) invited me over for an Asian-inspired murder-mystery dinner a few weeks ago... with hilarious results. Can you guess which one is me?

It took us four hours to figure out who the murderer was, but by golly was it ever funny seeing everyone dressed up and playing their characters. It was a horribly stereotypical perspective on Asian culture.. but all in good fun, right? ;)

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The End... Sort Of.


On Tuesday night I finished my art history exam after three hours of writing, set my pencil down, and let out the biggest sigh of relief I think I've sighed all year. With that last exam under my belt, I've almost kicked off the last of this winter term. Just a few odds and ends to take care of before the end of April, and I get to launch into my summer theater course full-swing!

This week has been interesting and very rewarding. It's the first week in a long time that I can say convincingly that I've put in a good work effort. I studied hard for my exam, I worked like a dog yesterday and today, and last night I was even in bed and asleep before 11 PM - nothing short of a miracle.

The outlook for the next few weeks is busy. I've got a portfolio to work on and put together, and I've agreed to organize our offerings for a city-wide rummage sale for work. I'll be learning to bake scones, I've just attended my first night of homechurch in months and loved it, and of course I'm doing my daily study and reading. It feels nice to be working on a variety of things, and go to bed tired rather than buzzed and anxious.

I won't get much more in-depth than that, as I'm quite tired from work and there's a chance that I'll get called in again tomorrow. Thanks for reading, folks, and I hope you're all well. A more lively version of myself will hopefully be around tomorrow to post thoughts on tonights homechurch and more of Chapter Two!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

N'awlins Belle


I don't wear it often because it's a bit too flashy for everyday use, but when I saw this choker in the Spanish Market of New Orleans 5 years ago, I had to have it. I feel like a pirate princess whenever I wear it.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Here comes the...

What a fun afternoon! My friend Bek is getting married in a month(!) and had her bridal shower today. I've never ever been to a bridal shower, even though I've hosted oodles at work. We had delicious treats, huggled Bek a lot, and played toilet paper brides. Oh, and then she got a mountain of presents (including both the practical and the scandalous!) - which she and Luke totally deserve. I'm so happy for them both, and for all my other friends getting married this summer. You all guys rock, and I hope God blesses all of your marriages!



Liz, myself, Nicoleta(!!) and Alma, just before Bek arrived


Oh so much sweet, sweet food


Such a cute centerpiece!


The bride-to-be, in her prototype TP gown...


A preview of one month from now!

Seriously, congrats, you guys.

Swimming in the Sea of Tea


I bought a new mug today from work!

Friday, April 11, 2008

Hold on tight to those dreams





Reason, and Chapter Two

There is just no way to reason about playing 6 hours of games when I should be studying.

What is it about a vast expanse of free time that screams "Go, play!", when I know I should be studying? ...Okay, maybe it's a stupid question.

How about, Why do I choose what's bad for me, even when I know what's best? The time I wasted last night is time I wasted in the full knowledge that there was and is something more valuable I could be spending my free evening doing. And I don't just mean studying, either.

See, something I did do yesterday was read through the second chapter of Don't Waste Your Life. The further I get, the happier I am I decided to pick it up again. The chapter, titled Breakthrough: the Beauty of Christ, My Joy, is very much applicable. I'm not a student of literature, and my encounters with literary study have been few, especially since coming to university. I consider this a shame. However, Piper's criticism of scholarly treatments of literary text resonated with me. In several courses I've been encouraged to apply my interpretation of a particular reading, to override the author's intentions with my own vision for what their piece meant. But, in so doing, we start to muddy things! As Piper states, "If there is only one life to live in this world, and if it is not to be wasted, nothing seemed more important to me than finding out what God really meant in the Bible, since he inspired men to write it. If that was up for grabs, then no one could tell which life is worthy and which life is wasted." (p. 24) His point being, by deciding to interpret and apply the text as you see fit, the reader robs the text of the author's intended meaning. If we understand the author of the bible to be God, who is Love, Truth, Justice, Wisdom, and Strength, among other things, then would it not make sense to seek with every fiber of our being to discover the meaning of his words?

The rest of the chapter Piper spends explaining how he continued to learn The Obvious and seek objective meaning from the bible... and of course, the answer to The Meaning Of Life. Now, reading this nearly two years after becoming a Christian, his words are far less shocking to me, though no less potent: God's intent is to display his glory, and our purpose is to glorify him by delighting in him. To be truthful, though I'd of course heard this over and again for the last almost-two years, Piper's explanation of this truth is one of the most eloquent I've read, and easily one of the most comprehensible! I, like Piper, have been wrestling for the last few months with, as Piper puts it, "what is right, and what is inevitable" (p. 31) (emphasis mine). What is right is that we glorify God, and what is inevitable is that we seek our own happiness. As someone who's dealt with a lot emotionally for the last 3 years, it would of course be a natural response to seek happiness. What I have honestly struggled with is that glorifying God and my happiness have seemed two entirely different things!

Some fundamental part of me (the part that bears the thumbprint of my maker, no doubt, as well as the Holy Spirit) has always recognized this as a problem, a glitch in my understanding. I laughed a little ruefully when I read further, "Compounding the problem was that many who seemed to emphasize the glory of God in their thinking did not seem to be enjoying him much. And many who seemed to enjoy God most were defective in their thinking about his glory." (p. 31) In some ways, to me, desiring God seemed... undesirable. Icky. Between watching fellow Christians fling bible verses heedlessly at Atheists and skeptics, the arguments between denominations, and the constant struggle between my real self vs. my ideal self, my own faith had begun to leave a bad taste in my mouth. So, Piper's revelation that glorifying God and being happy are one and the same was something of a revelation for me as well, one that has challenged me to take my study of God's message to us much more seriously. "God created me - and you - to live with a single, all-embracing, all-transforming passion - namely, a passion to glorify God by enjoying and displaying his supreme excellence in all the spheres of life. Enjoying and displaying are both crucial. If we try to display the excellence of God without joy in it, we will display a shell of hypocrisy and create scorn or legalism..." (ibid.) (Emphasis mine - this definitely home)

Piper explains further on what exactly is meant by 'glorify', and I have to say, although I probably understood this word on some level, the cultured part of my mind always flinched when I heard it (much like words like, 'evangelize', and 'religious') - it seemed narcissistic. But, why SHOULD he get all the glory? Being Love, Truth, Justice, Wisdom, and Strength (as I mentioned before) has a lot to do with this. To be honest, it's still something I'm wrapping my head around. Piper offers the helpful metaphor that glorifying God is like magnifying God, in that if you magnify God as a telescope magnifies planets and stars, you are making something that is unfathomably large appear very clearly. Our lives are meant to show God more clearly - this is done by enjoying him. Again, part of me thinks this is amazing, and part of me thinks this outrageous.


I think what twisted the knife through my little heart, though, was a section on love that bears the title, "Does Being Loved Mean Being Made Much Of?"

Why yes, John, I believe it does.

Oh, shoot, is that wrong? This, unfortunately, is a belief I've held so close to me that I'm having a hard time escaping it. It became painfully obvious during my last relationship, but I have little doubt it has existed much, much longer than I'll ever recall. I still suffer from extreme self-interest - I will admit it. The fact that this blog exists is in part a testimony to that. The fact that my computer is full of pictures of myself is another. Pipers words are the smack upside the head that I have sorely needed for so very long: "Love is doing what is best for someone. But making self the object of our highest affections is not best for us. It is, in fact, a lethal distraction. We were made to see and savor God - and savoring him, to be supremely satisfied, and thus spread in all the world the worth of his presence. Not to show people the all-satisfying God is not to love them. To make them feel good about themselves when they were made to feel good about seeing God is like taking someone to the Alps and locking them in a room full of mirrors." (p. 33)

As I sit and write, and consider how this post started and where it is ending, something seems painfully clear to me. When asking myself how I can continue to fritter away useful time on worthless things, I normally cite a lack of motivation. But in so doing, I'm exempting myself from the more obvious issue - I can't even choose what is best for myself.

Sorry for another epically long post, it was probably as hard to write as it is for you all to read. I promise I'll post more cat pictures to make up for it!

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

Fearsome

Of Spring and Things

Well, I can't say this is an all-time low in the world of blog frequency, but to have been silent for six months is unacceptable! I won't stand for this!

So here I am.

To be truthful, I've been meaning to jot something down here just to get the ball rolling, but never seemed to come up with anything EPIC enough to break the silence with. I finally decided life is pretty hectic as it is, I don't need to wait around for EPIC!

So, school is almost done. I think the score for this year was something like School: 99 Erin: -3, but perhaps I'm exaggerating. In truth, I struggled a lot with staying focused and handing things in on time, really basic things that they're supposed to beat out of you in the primary grades. Actually, I was worried for a while that my procrastination was something recent, that I was some kind of super student before university... and then I found some old journals and they pretty much confirmed that I'm just a born procrastinator. Always have been, always will be.

So I've decided that this summer, I'm going to kick the pants off of my procrastination habits, say goodbye to useless things, timewasters, and anything unworthy of my attention. Yes, folks, it's true: this is the Summer Of Getting Things Done (SOGTD)... I'll think of a better acronym later. Oh, the irony.

I feel like I've raved to everyone, but just in case I missed you, I'll be working as a Manager Extraordinaire at Tea at the White House, my workplace of the past 6 years. I'm pretty stoked, as they've been nothing but stellar. If you're ever passing through Waterdown, come on over and visit - the odds are pretty excellent that I'll be working!

Apart from work and school, I've decided to start reading John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life, one of what seems to be about a dozen Christian standards, apart from the bible itself. To be truthful, I've been avoiding this book nervously, with a decent reason. When it was first given to me (lent, I should say...), I was maybe a week and a half out of my breakup, totally emotional, and just starting to open up to God. I was kind of at the point where I wanted to know What The Big Deal Was about God and life, and after discussing this with a coworker, she let me borrow her copy of the aforementioned book. I think I got about 3 chapters in before I burst into tears. Mum eyed the book suspiciously, and told me maybe I shouldn't read it if were going to make me upset. While she had a point - I definitely wasn't ready to read Piper's firm views on The Meaning of Life - I KNEW that I was faced with the truth that my life was meant to be changed by God. Terrifyingly, my whole world was going to change... if I let it. So, needless to say, the book and it's contents were at the same time meaningful, but wholly undigestable at the time.

So I shelved it, thinking I'd pick it up again when I'd come to terms with where things were going. Almost two years later, I'm a little more stable, a little more mature... but not so much of either that I couldn't use a good smack in the face. Realizing that I have a terrible addiction to the internet and that I also don't to spend the summer indoors hovering near the glare of the computer screen like a moth, I decided that it was time to un-shelf that puppy and Stop Wasting My Life.

I have to say, I'm glad that I have. I'm only one chapter in, as I'm taking time to think and push back on what I've read, but Piper's a bit more gentle than I remember him being. I'll update you with my thoughts when I've gotten a little farther.

Sorry this post was so long, and kudos to you if you made it this far. I'll try and break things up a little in the future!