Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Tough stuff.

Apologies to the avid blog readers for the length of time between posts. I'm doing much better at this than I thought I would, so, hah! (Warning you, this is going to be a long one.)

Normally I write down the bulk of my thoughts in a journal and then post the really interesting/thought provoking (hah!) stuff on here, but today I'm working without the filter. Between class and work and everything else, being 'real' has been hard and I'm feeling like I just haven't been honest with myself. This isn't a 'woe-is-me' post, it's just some tough stuff.. Because being reborn isn't all puppies and roses, right? And maybe we'll all gain some insight.

I saw some old friends today, friends I lived with in first year, actually, which was awesome. I was praying pretty hard for a familiar face today, so praise God for that. One of them, Ted, just got engaged, so congrats to him! I am happy for him... Really.

...what, that didn't sound convincing?

Okay. I am genuinely happy that he's happy and in love and planning to spend the rest of his life with a wonderful woman. But it's happening more and more now. Every time I hear about another engagement (this is the third in the last year), it feels like the rug is getting pulled out from beneath me. I literally get chills. I get scared.

Yeah. Scared.

It's completely foreign, and yet totally familiar and comprehensible. I used to panic thinking about death. Now I panic about life. Married life. Or maybe, a lack thereof...?

Okay, okay, so maybe I'm not so weird. I know there a lot of single people out there who also get that funny tummy clench when they hear yet another one of their friends is getting hitched, wondering when, if ever, they too will be waltzing down the aisle. My mind practically explodes every time I think about the ifs, whens, whats, and hows of relationships. We should be so lucky that that's all that explodes, given the need to issue biohazard suits after my last relationship meltdown...

I guess my real issue is this - and this is pure, down-to-earth, realness, folks - I've know where I've been, I know what I'm capable of (or incapable of, sigh), and... well, it's scary. We're capable of a lot of good things, but we're also capable of a lot of really, really hurtful things. You don't need blunt force to do a lot of damage. Heh, I don't need to rehash that. And so life moves on, right? I did find God, and I did come to understand more about relationships. Through sermons, through friends, through two amazing projects. Everything seemed pretty bright and shiny, coming home from Halifax, with fresh passion and fresh perspective. Maybe I was ready for this relationship thing.. you know, with boys. And that's when I realized it.

I'm terrified to be in a relationship again. Or, terrified that I'll never get there. I'm not a fun, fluffy type. As my DGL Wendy said this summer, "You're into really, really deep relationships. Shallow isn't good enough." (Well, it was something like that. I'm paraphrasing). And see, there's two problems here that are tied in with all this:

A) First (and importantly), it means God's not getting in on the ground floor on this one. Trusting God with money, no worries. Trusting God with school, no worries. Trusting God with my love life... well, logically, who better to trust, right? And thus we reveal problem number 1! I'm a control freak when it comes to relationships. I'm sure I'm not the only one, but it pains me so much to admit that I can't let something so important rest in the hands of the one who'd give it the utmost of care. I would love to have a healthy, happy relationship with someone I care deeply about. Which leads us to our second point...

B) Because I'm so defensive and uptight about potentially having another person hurt me again, or worse, hurting someone else myself, and because I've definitely struggled with godliness and purity in relationships before, I'm, well, defensive and uptight. Which not only makes for poor romantic relationships, it makes for poor ANY relationships. And therein lies a fault of mine, that I've admitted before. I'm intensely physical, and for as long as I can remember, relationships, especially the romantic kind, are validated through physicality. Not only that, I quickly realized how to manipulate my relationship (I'm being very specific now) in ways that resulted in that physicality. I was just validating myself. 'Boyfriend' became 'convenience'. Not much relating going on there.

And then things tangle slightly further. Part of giving up control to God means... well, giving up my agendas. My desires. Dying to myself. "Those that strive to touch a star oft stumble of a single straw."

Straw, thy name is Ess-ee-ex. (that's 'sex', for the phonetically challenged...)

Really, as complicated as this all sounds, it's pretty simple. I want what God wants, because I know that's best. But I also know that I've got a powerful sexual nature that can, if allowed, get absolutely out of hand. Sex isn't bad, kids. But it's best expressed when it's constructive (i.e., an expression of love, self-sacrificial act, not a method of control, etc) However, most situations where I find myself, well, in need, are not constructive situations, and so I'm constantly beating back on this supposedly healthy urge. Following me here? To be doing this constantly is, well, exhausting. Obviously. Or I wouldn't have written you an essay about it. Duh.
And I'm sure I'm not alone.

And that's kind of the point of writing all this, I suppose. Because I made a promise a long time ago (about a year now, to be exact) that I would start being more real, more the woman God intended me to be. And I realized that there were going to be potholes and roadblocks along the way. But rather than cover them up or pretend like they're not there, I'm sharing, because maybe this will encourage someone else. And hey, I feel encouraged just writing this down. It's a daily battle, for all of us. The enemies we fight may look different, but we all know the outcome, and we can take hope in that. I found incredible hope in a verse from Hebrews the other day, so I'll share it with you in parting:

"In bringing many sons to glory, it was
fitting that God, for whom and through
whom everything exists, should make
the author of their salvation perfect through
suffering. Both the one who makes men holy
and those who are made holy are of the same
family. So Jesus is not ashamed to call them brothers.
He says,
'I will declare you name to my brothers;
in the presence of the congregation I
will sing your praises'
And again,
'I will put my trust in him.'
And again he says,
'Here am I, and the children god has given me'
Since the children have flesh and blood, he too
shared in their humanity so that by his death he
might destroy him who holds the power of death -
that is, the devil - and free those who all their lives
were held in slavery by their fear of death.
For surely it is not angels he helps, but Abraham's descendants.
For this reason he had to be made like his brothers
in every way, in order that he might become a
merciful and faithful high priest in service to God,
and that he might make atonement for the sins of the people.
Because he himself suffered when he was tempted,
he is able to help those are being tempted."
(Hebrews 2:10-18)

2 comments:

Paulman said...

Erin! :)

This is why I'm so, "proud" of you, for lack of a better term :P

I'll explain. Ok, I just asked Johnson and he told/reminded me that you've been a Christian only since September. That's only a year!

But I'll tell you this, because often times we're not sure unless we hear it from people outside of ourselves: you have a lot of wisdom from God! You've grown so much (even before coming to Halifax), not only in wisdom but also in character - and that's the most important!

Anyways, I wanted to encourage you - I'm pretty sure you're on the right track. So I wanted to encourage you to hopefully relax, and maybe even feel good about yourself and where you're at right now. You're a really quality person, Erin, and it's really encouraging to see your relationship with God and how He's guided you so far and how He's growing you, too.

Obviously God hasn't brought "someone" into your life for right now, but if/when He does (and I'm pretty sure it's "when"), it will be for good reasons. I'm sure He cares about the other person just as much as He cares about you, and if you're both walking hand in hand with Him, I think God will take great delight in bringing you together. What I'm trying to say is that I don't think God wants you to hurt another child of His, but rather He intends you to be a blessing and a gift of God to that other person.

Ok, enough typing! But yah, I like thinking through these sorts of things (it's why I listen to FamilyLife Today all the time). And something I learned over Halifax project (I kind of had to be reminded by the letter I wrote to myself at the very start of project) was that God will take care of the timing, the situation, and the specifics of bringing us together with the person He intends for us - all we need to care about is walking along with Him every day.

And we don't have to have everything all figured out. That's another thing I learned in Halifax :P

Bye! *waves*

nickyverboom said...

Wow, Erin (and Paulman...). You have been such an encouragement to me right now, in this moment. Erin, I remember us having some talks over project and, what's wild and God-amazing, is that this is something I was really struggling with just this morning. For some reason I clicked on the Halifax blog to see if anything new had been posted and then went to your blog, because you're a good writer and to see what's new in your life. Little did I know that God was using this procrastinating from studying to encourage me in that someone else is struggling with the same thing.

This stuff IS tough. And it's not as easy to overcome, I find, as other sins because it is a sin of both our soul and flesh. But I have a vision Erin, I can see the end, where people like you and I have wrestled through and will stand victorious over our flesh in Christ Jesus. While standing tall atop the mountain of his glory and Satan shakes in fear, we will bend down and take the hands of our sex-driven generation and pull them up from the valley they keep slipping into or can't find their way out of. Jesus doesn't want us to hold onto these sins. We need to remember the message we tell others - Christ came to die for ALL our sins, not just the ones that happen outside of the bedroom. Through accepting his promises, we stand before him pure and blameless. The problem, I have found, arises in forgiving ourselves. This is a concept easier said than done. My housemate offered that it is our pride, ultimately, that stands in the way...who are we to deny that the King of the Universe, the Master that called the earth into being, isn't worthy of cleansing our sin?

These are my thoughts, I hope they encourage you as you have encouraged me today. Thank you for being bold and writing that post.

lots of love...looking forward to seeing you at WC!