I think I wrote my previous post last... friday or saturday. Well, it's been quite a week since then, and I've come out a little worse for wear, but thoughtful.

I think I've mentioned before how getting to Halifax was a lesson in trusting God, but it wasn't the challenge I anticipated. Things seemed to fall into place fairly easily, as far as things go. If anything stressed me out, I've long since forgotten about the grief caused, which is more than some people here can say. I'm thankful for the faithfulness of God, to be sure.

But after getting through all of that, I knew I was just being geared for a bigger challenge, and I realized, once I started, that work was likely to be it. I don't want to be too 'revealing' here, but I do want to give you all a little peek at what's going on, to keep you in the loop and to keep the lines open for prayer.

On Monday I got talking with one of my coworkers about hanging out after work, which ended with us making plans to meet in the evening after her shift to watch Signal Hill play in the Lower Deck at work (the upside of working at a really large pub in Halifax). Ben and Katherine from project came with me and we all ended up having a great time, and got to know my coworker a little better. I really do want to get to know at least one or two of my coworkers fairly well before the end of the summer, but seeing as most of them are male, there are obstacles in that regard. Anyways, plans were made to go back to the pub for a second time on Tuesday, and this time around we met more of my coworkers and got to know them a little better. It's nice to have a group of my fellow teammates to help with conversations, and I think there's a lot of value in showing my coworkers that we're pretty normal people, with one or two exceptions. My not drinking was a big deal to pretty much everyone there who wasn't on project, as we were in a pub. But it lead to some talk of church and faith, and gave me a little more to work with, as such. The night was very draining though. We started upstairs in the 'Beer Market' (the middle floor of the restaurant) and ended up watching the band downstairs in the Lower Deck. It was more crowded than the night before and people were a bit rowdier. I stuck close to our guys because of the very pointed leers of a particularly drunk businessman (the downside of visiting a really large pub in Halifax), and it reminded me of the need to be conscious of our surroundings and of the people I bring into my workplace. I'm more used to that kind of setting, but I know many people here haven't every been in that kind of environment where people just give themselves over to their desires, basically, be it food or drink or lust. What was upsetting for me personally though was seeing some of my coworkers, who felt either lonliness or some kind of lust, or whatever, start to cozy up to one another, in particular the girl I had met with the night before. It reminded me a lot of the emptiness I used to feel and the way I tried to fill it up with exactly those pursuits, and just how hurt and empty it made me feel afterwards. I didn't want to judge, because I'd been in her place before, but I wish I could have just yelled at her right then and there that she could find fulfillment in much better ways... It's the same with many of my coworkers. Seeing them pour their energy into empty pursuits is draining to watch, and I'm also faced with a bit of a stigma, or the fact that I'm a novelty, because I'm one of the only practicing Christians in the building. I did learn today that one of the other new hires is actually also a Christian, and is in a Christian band! Unexpected suprise much? Anyways, things at work are rough. Added to that is the problem created by project itself versus work - that project time and prime time in the restaurant industry both happen to be the evening and weekends. My boss is starting to look at my name at the schedule and wonder why he hired me again. It's a frustrating situation, because I am personally very committed to working with these people and ministering to them (one of the reasons I came on project), but project itself is sort of defeating the cause. I'm learning a lot, and I can already see growth and positive change in myself, but I feel like I am literally being torn in two.

Anyways, I don't want to drive too far down that path. Things are being set in motion that will hopefully give everyone a bit more peace in this area. I've had to scale back my social time with teammates in order to maintain my internal sanity, which is in part why I was able to write an entry tonight. To go from living with just yourself plus family to living very closely with 29 other people is an intense shift, and I'm starting to realize the value in solid quiet time, and actually using the quiet moments to be with God or my thoughts, and not just zone out. There's been a lot of spiritual battles fought in the past few days, and I guess I'm not liking that I'm finding myself currently embroiled in one. God's been showing me a lot about real love, and not the man-woman kind, but the G0d-human or human-human kind. That things aren't always rosey and nice, but we're still called to serve and love all the same. This city is easy to love on the nice sunny days, or when the people are fun and friendly, but can you actually say you love the city when it's cold and rainy, and people seem to ignore you or be caught up or busy? What about people themselves? Do you love someone only when they're happy or when they're healthy... or as I started to realize today, when they're hurting? How can you love someone when their life is totally normal and nothing seems to be going on?

I made an interesting observation today. During prayer, I had a minor breakdown, thanks to the lack of private time to just sit down and cry. So I had a few people come over to me in the middle of prayer and eagerly tell me nice things and such. I appreciate them and truly believe that they spoke with good intentions, but it felt like almost a pounce, that people eagerly stepped in to comfort... without understanding why they were comforting. It made me realize something. At that moment, yes, I was feeling pretty sore inside (or else I wouldn't have needed to cry!), but there wasn't anything WRONG with me, per se, no hurt that needed anything but God... actually, the only thing I could say that was wrong was that I'd been so busy in the past few days that I had been holding my breath spiritually, and had started to suffocate. But rather than letting me explain further, or just be, people felt the need to pour on praise or encouragement. I guess what I'm getting at is, it felt a little fake or contrived, and it gave me vision as to how I don't want to be with the people I meet here or with my coworkers. I want to be real. Really real, and get to know people in a really real way. Just as God is really real, and not some hocus pocus make-believe to me, something that I dreamed up one day. God is a really real part of my life, and he's made a huge impact. I didn't really realize until today what I meant when I said in the past I want to be 'real' with people, but I realized in part what that would look like today. I hope that all made sense, I'm still working through in my head what this all means. I don't want to show up at work on Aug. 2 (the day after project ends) and suddenly revert to the 'normal, non-project Erin', thus voiding the Erin that everyone got to know over the summer previously. I've been praying it over, and I'd appreciate if some of you would also lift this up in prayer (apart from the other huge things that are contained in this post), the idea of giving up drinking almost totally. It's kind of a shock to me, but the more I think about it, the more I think this is a really good choice for me and for people around me. My pride wants to make me think that I can have just one or two and be 'okay' but past experience in recent months has taught me otherwise. It also depends on the company I've got with me. Drinking with 'carnal' Chrisitans or non-Christians and drinking with Christians who are solid in their faith and are walking with God have provided two totally different experiences, and the latter is pretty much normal to the point of positive as far as drinking experiences go. So I don't want to be legalistic and say no drinking ever, and then miss out on enjoying a drink or two with good people. I guess I'm processing what my boundaries are going to be, and it's kind of neat to be honest. I went through the same thing when I thought about dating again, and it revealed a lot about how I've changed and grown in my commitment to God. But that's another entry enitrely.

Whew, so sorry this was a long one, I hope that I made some semblance of sense through the whole thing. I just wanted to get an update up.

Oh sheesh, and I haven't even talked about PROJECT stuff. I'm on the city-wide Movement Development Area team (MDA team, for short), which means we're going to be focusing our efforts less on students per se, and more on the general population of Halifax. This Saturday we're hitting the streets for some random evangelism and then hopefully going door to door with quick surveys to get an idea of the spiritual 'climate' of the city. I'm pretty excited. We haven't really gone sharing since the first week here, and while I want to share at work, I want to get to know my coworkers better, so as not just to preach at them but to work with them etc. There's a different level of connection with random evangelism and surveys, and people are actually a lot more candid when you don't know them. So if you could lift up the team in your prayers on friday night or saturday, that'd be great!

Okay, for real, I'm out for the night. Hopefully updates will be a bit more frequent, as I try to spend more quality time here at home.

Peace.